Stay -- Thirty Seconds to Mars

Okay, so truth or dare?

NO.

You don't get to decide.

Here is the truth. I could really have everything I ever wanted. I am so happy right now, in this moment, and I'm also frustrated, impatient, and waiting. I'm working on the latter.

What if I turned into a real Patch-Adams-clown-nose-wearing-doctor-who-entertains-sick-kids-and-help-people kinda person. What would you think of me then?

Also, heads up to all those Moms out there who are ignorant and mean to children (this is not you S*r*h or J*ss), sometimes children whose needs are different than others. I see you. And I don't like it. If it were socially acceptable I'd just take your baby home with me. But I'm not down with babby-nappers, sooo I will sit here and make scathing remarks online. It's sort of what I do.

But sometimes all I can do is get up from where I'm sitting, take my paper plate and take a kid outside to play. Heaven knows nobody else has the gumption to do it. Fuck.

Grow up.

Grow up, Beth.

You're incredibly selfish, Beth.

You're not you.

Actually I'd like to interject a new song right here:

Not For You --Pearl Jam

Come Home -- OneRepublic

I still have tooth k. If you don't know, it's a baby jaw tooth that actually has no grown-up tooth under it. The filling in it broke so I went to the dentist, naively thinking they would fix it right up.

But they had other plans. They tried to send me to the fuckin wackjob dental surgeon down at Bardstown Road and Fegenbush to have it surgically removed and replaced with....wait for it...a fuckin screw in my head with a "tooth" smushed onto the top of it. Now, keep in mind this is the guy who tells you one price for an "extraction" bills the insurance DOUBLES  the price then rips your gd tooth from your head with (probably) a pair of fuckin needlenose pliers. I digress...

The point of the story is this:

"Well, when they pull the tooth out they can keep it for you and you can give it to your Mom."

I know, right? I used blank face, because when you say it with a smile people think you're disturbed. "My Mom is dead."

"Oh."

Oh. What the fuck does oh mean?

"Your dad? You could give it to your dad."

Smile, more like a grimace at this point, dismissive mumbling. I left as quickly as humanly possible, taking the stairs fast like i was running them again.

Running stairs...now that's some sadistic fun.

They can't have this tooth okay. I went to an orthodontist who took a fucking skill saw to my face, no shit, so...No. Just no.

So I'm in the market for a new dentist. One who will patch it up and let me keep it for as long as I can. Hmu, dentist friends.

All the Right Moves -- OneRepublic

When Anna-Lee was about two, maybe three, Mom was keeping her so I could have a break, as I was in college.

One day, Mom was smearing some kind of anti-aging cream on her face and Anna-Lee asked her why on earth was she putting that stuff on her face.

"It makes your wrinkles go away," was her response.

Anna-Lee walks over to her as she's putting the lid back on, takes the small container from her and throws it into the garbage and says, "Well. It's not working."

Everyone wants me to tell a good story, well, I'm not going to tell another one, that one's pretty damn good. What I will say is this:

Go ahead, fucking judge me. Talk about me behind my back, if you like, I no longer have the capacity to care. And just fyi I know the way people look at you when they're thinking something snide, I can see it in their faces that split second before they regain control of their facial expressions. Believe me, I know exactly how it's done.

The thing is, I do care. I want people to like me, I want people to know that I'm a good person. I wish I could yell at everybody and say, my Mom is fucking dead and two years after the fact I totally lost my shit. I can't go back and change those facts, but I sure as hell can change how things are going to go in the future.

Someone I am acquainted with, their nephew took his own life at their house. I didn't know that until they had confided that to my husband. He, in turn, told them that we had both lost our mothers recently and many other important people in our lives as well. Now every time I see them they wave at me and are very friendly.

Why? Why now? What difference does it make that we are grieving over here, so now you'll be friendly because you know a little of our plight?

Fuck off. Not really, I will be kind and friendly to them, but holy shitballs, I'd like to say--Am I only worthy of your attention and kindness because we have revealed to you our deepest, darkest secrets? The reason why we're always so seemingly glum. It doesn't matter, not really, how others treat me.

All I know is that I face every person I see every day with a kind smile because I am always thinking that no matter how difficult my day, my week, my year...my life...has been and what I have overcome, someone else out there is having a much shittier time than I am, and for goodness sake give someone a smile or a helping hand.

I'm not going to be like you. I'm not even going to be what you'd like me to be.

I'm gonna keep on keepin' on, just being me, because I really don't give a fuck what you think. And if that bothers you, keep on moving 'cause I definitely don't have time for bullshit when there's shit to do with my family.

Also: I'm busting my ass getting these girls to dance lessons and after-school activities, I'm trying to get a job, on top of all the other things that go with being a Mom. And just...just...FUCK YOUR COUCH.

PS Mom liked rum and cokes or MGD. God bless.