Tyler -- The Toadies

Here's a tip: I will not change for you. Or for anyone, for that matter. If I need to make a change in my life I will do it for myself and my kids. I'm not going to ask you to change either. It's unnecessary. Because you're not going to. I know that. Honestly, I don't expect you to.

I'm going to read three or four books at one time and listen to the Meat Puppets regardless of what you think about it. I will work on me, grow as a person, and improve my life one day at a time.

I have an endless capacity for love. I think I told you that. That's the one thing that this world will never take from me. You can take my friends, my cousins, my lover, my mother, but you will never take away my ability to show others love and kindness.

Since Mom died I have struggled with anger. I feel anger toward God because I don't understand his plan. That is my struggle. I accept that. And I also accept that most of you will tell me that I shouldn't be angry with God. But that doesn't really help me. In fact, sometimes I just need a hug. My kids give the best hugs. Because they love me no matter what. They don't care if I have fucked up everything. They open their arms and embrace me with unconditional love. That's all I really need.

Nero loved me like that. He didn't care if I was being a bitch, he'd follow me around everywhere I went waiting for me to reach out and pet his soft ears. He ran away, you know. Last week I had a dream that I went back to my house and there he was, sitting by the back door whining to come inside. "Look who's back!" I exclaimed, and we rejoiced.


People like to think of me as cold and uncaring. I invite that, in a way, I suppose. I don't react the way people expect me to, so they naturally assume that I don't care. People have told me that, quite a lot actually. People that love me have told me so. What I'd like to say is that is your fucking problem, not mine. But I can't act like that either, so I'm told.

When Mom told me she had cancer I had no outward emotional response. Apparently that really bothers people. She said she thought of me as the Ice Princess. To be quite honest, it had never occurred to me to be anything other than what I felt was me. But it bothered her. She told me that I had never said anything like that I was sorry that she had cancer, or shared my feelings. I know if you've been with me since the beginning, that you already know this story. I told her that day on the phone that I was pissed off at God. She made me promise that I would not hate God for what was happening to her. I made a promise that was a lie the moment it left my lips. I did hate God for it. Right or wrong, that's how I felt.

It took me years to realize that I could only feel hate for God because I loved him so. I knew it. But I did not accept that they were two sides of the same coin. I only have the capacity to hate when I have experienced love. There cannot be one without the other. People who have wronged me in my life I have thought back on and said to myself, I hate them. But it was only when I realized that I could only harbor that hatred instead of love that I decided to change the way that I felt about those people. I love them despite their flaws, in spite of their actions toward me, because it is better for me to accept that those people held a place of love in my heart, and that they always will. If I try to hold onto the hate that I might feel, I am only hurting myself. So I let it go. It doesn't make the hurt go away, but I feel better knowing that I can love those who think that they are incapable of loving others in return. I can treat others with respect and kindness when they show me hatred and disrespect.

From the beginning, we have all heard the saying "two wrongs don't make a right." It's true. If you slap me and I hit you back, we both lose. It happened once that a girl slapped my face. And I did the wrong thing. After I laughed in her face and said, "Really, bitch?" I should have just walked away. I know that now. But at the time I let anger control me, rage was my friend, and I smashed my fist into her mouth because she had braces and I knew it would hurt like hell. But I was conscious enough to know that if I grabbed her and put her head through the glass trophy case like I wanted to, that things would go really wrong really fast. I'm sorry. I was wrong. I should have turned the other cheek.

Don't make the mistake of misunderstanding me. I will always defend myself and those who are unable to defend themselves. If your intention is to physically hurt me, how fast can you run? Because, first, you better be able to catch me. And if you do, you better be ready to seal the deal. I am not afraid of pain. I am not afraid that you might hurt me. I am afraid that I will retaliate. So just don't bother, okay? It will not end how you want it to, and when you fight, no one wins--regardless of who's left standing.

I say this only because I have changed. I'm not a hot headed teenager anymore. I'm not going to hit you back. I'm gonna laugh in your fucking face and dare you to do it again. And again.

Do not come to me with your stories of suffering as an argument for me to change my morals. My morals are steady, solidly built in my mind and in my heart. You cannot change them. They will not falter. I will never again whine to you that life is so unfair, that all these things that have happened in my life are someone else's fault. "I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul." And if I do, be kind enough to remind me of my own words. I can only take those stories of suffering and internalize them, I think about your story and try to imagine how you must feel. I am a better person for that. But don't expect me to pull the pity card when you pull yours, because no matter what you have gone through, are going through, or will go through, someone out there in the world is living through the most horrific thing imaginable. Just stop your pity party for one second and consider that. Sit down and be thankful that you are still alive. Be thankful for all the blessings in your life. Because to do otherwise is to tempt fate. You think you've had it rough? You think you have it rough right now? You do. I won't say that you aren't struggling. We all are. Just remember that. We are all suffering. But it could always be worse.