Plateau -- Nirvana

I know you've been waiting a long time for this post so...

Where did I go for about two months? I went bat-shit crazy.

No. Really. On my chart she actually put "bat-shit crazy." I looked when she wasn't in the room. I didn't know that was a real diagnosis.

But, seriously, I attempted to finish my degree this fall semester. That didn't go well. Let's just say that being bat-shit crazy and trying to take care of three kids, a home, myself, and homework did not mesh well. That is all I will say for now. Who knows who may be reading this. But if I'm being perfectly honest the straw that broke the camel's back was a hushed discussion in an empty hallway:

"You need to get your act together." Those were the words that circled my head as I cried for twenty minutes in class, wiping at my face with baby wipes because that's all I had.

I wish I could get my act together, but it's not that easy.

Someone told me to suck it up and get on with my life.

That didn't go over well either. If I could suck it up and get on with my life I would.

Maybe my Mother dying didn't break you, and I'm glad. Maybe I wasn't completely broken at first, just cracked enough that a good hard slug from reality shattered me completely. I was the strong one for so long that when I broke, I broke all the way. Every little shard hit the floor when I went down, and gluing the pieces back together requires the right kind of glue, and the right kind of people to help. I have some of those people and we're working on the glue.

But I'm here and I'm alive. Every day is a struggle. But I just keep on keepin' on because that's what Mom told me to do about nine years ago as I cried into the phone, snuggled in my bed with my history books from my first semester of college.

Plateau was Mom's favorite Nirvana song, just in case you didn't know.

"Many a hand
has scaled the grand
old face of the plateau
Some belong to strangers
and some to folks you know
Holy Ghosts and talk-show hosts
are planted in the sand
beautify the foothills
and shake the many hands

There's nothin on the top
but a bucket and a mop
and an illustrated book about birds
You see a lot up there
but don't be scared
who needs action
when you got words?..."