Have you ever gotten one of those newsletters? One of those family things--or sometimes business newsletters--that contain all the year's accomplishments at which they expect you to marvel? One such annual newsletter which our family receives has become, to us, both inspirational and encouraging for its honesty. Without further ado I give you the :
"First Annual New _____ Times Newsletter
It’s not a paperzine, but it’s certainly more amusing.
Albino Peacock Publications
Volume Number 1
Issue Number 1
January 2011
2010
Aunt Susie is on yet another ski trip. She’s a sucker for the white fluff. After the near miss with the avalanche last year, we figured that she would find another profession. But skiing is her passion, and she competes all around the world. Just last month she brought home gold at the WoW!Shred event. It was pretty damn awesome.
Adrienne is enjoying being at the top of the hierarchy of the company she once worked for, easily becoming executive vice president of national sales in a matter of months. The business is quickly becoming one of the city’s most reliable and efficient technology resource consulting firms. With her immense wealth she has opened a homeless shelter and trade store. The trade store is currently accepting donations.
Uncle Bernie is changing the way recyclable materials are used. He is building housing complexes using a combination of recycled materials such as plastic bottles, cardboard, recycled metals, and shoes. He does wonderful work for the community and was recently awarded with the Good Deeds for the Planet Award of Honor. It was a beautiful ceremony.
Beatriz is currently writing a crazy blog that no one reads. Her husband makes a lot of money in the chromologic ink application business, as supervising quality control god. As a result, Beatriz is able to watch soap operas and eat Krispy Kreme donuts while she writes trashy romance novels. She is particularly proud of the cover art for her novels, which feature dolphins in a wide array of swim wear. She makes a bit of money selling these books to the Usually A Dollar stores in the area, and her publisher is promising to go nationwide next year.
Conway is still president of his company, despite some dispute with the board of trustees, and has had recent success with the simulated diamond industry. He even has a new gold grill with diamond embellishments. His latest invention coats your car with a coat of diamond dust. He will begin testing diamond dusted clothing in the spring.
Just as the past year has brought all of our family such wonderful things, so may the new year bring wonderful things to yours.
Love,
The _____ Family"
Well, I said inspiring and encouraging, but a load of crap sounds a lot better than what actually happened.
Now, of course, if this were really my family newsletter it would say "2010: Year of Shit Storms, Turd Sandwiches, and the Great Flood." I didn't have a new year's resolution, but now I think I do. I think I will try to be less depressing. Then, perhaps my family will want to read my blog after all.
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