Live to Rise -- Soundgarden

Fuel -- Metallica

I guess I'll add fuel to the fire. It's what I do best, anyway.

I guess what I really need to say, on the outset, is that my family is fucking A awesome.

But, and it's hard to explain, they have turned their backs on me. They have torn asunder the support and comfort their love has always provided me before. I know they did so for a very good reason, in their opinions, and in the end they are relentlessly stubborn. That's all right. Inside, though I may be scared and unsure sometimes, is a very strong young woman.

Something inside me believes that I can overcome all obstacles set before me no matter how difficult things seem to be. I also know that if I could change the past there are a lot of things I would. But that's not possible. I know the past cannot be changed. The one thing that I can change is the future.

I suppose it's comforting to you that I have failed. That we failed so completely and miserably that you will forever see us for that failure rather than the fact that we are able to move beyond that failure to have a happy, successful life together. I suppose your own relationship is perfect, far from the possibility of mistakes. You are quipped with judgement and harshness in the face of my mistakes, my significant other's unwise choices, and my own unwillingness to throw away a decade of life and family together. How useful your disdain is while you're looking down your noses at me, at us. You, of course, would never make a mistake, never venture into the realm of amoral behaviour or do anything that is against society's laws. Of course not. That might make you an hypocrit. I suppose you live in a glass house, where no one dares to break any rules, whether society's or your own. You are perfection. And so is everyone in your glass house.

You would not, could not, ever do anything--put yourself into any situation without first considering what others might think about it. Never! You've never acted impulsively or brashly in your life. You've never made a mistake, never done a deliberate wrong, or an impulsive thing that changes your life forever. Of course not.

I, however, dare not say that I have not. I have spoken without thinking, acted on impulse without considering the feelings of others, and, in fact, have made huge mistakes...put myself in risky situations, put my own life in danger, and hurt others along the way. But I own it. I have done things that I'm not proud of, and a great many things that I am proud of, that no one even knows about. Some of which I will certainly take to the grave--because to brag about doing something good for another human being merely demonstrates a desire to be acknowledged for being a good person, when I don't need anyone else's opinion on the matter.

If you can honestly go to sleep every night without regretting a single thing you've ever done, then you're probably a sociopath. Perfection and infallibility is for Gods. Mistakes are for humans.

It's useless to claim superiority, infallibility, or perfection. It's useless to attempt to defend my decisions or the sometimes tumultuous turn of events in my life. When my life is over, it's last page turned, I will be able to say that I lived life imperfectly, but fully.

Say Hello 2 Heaven -- Temple of the Dog

Dead Moms Club

The first rule of Dead Moms Club: don't talk about Dead Moms Club. 

(Sorry, I just couldn't help myself. For those of you unfamiliar with this reappropriated movie quote: you missed it!) 

You can talk about Dead Moms Club. If you dare...

Second rule: you can join the club if you meet the following criteria: 
1. Your mom is dead.
2. You're upset about it. (Sociopaths need not apply, of course.)

This isn't a club that you want to join, like Classics Club or something, but it's a lifetime membership. Once you're in, you're in.

Members of this highly inclusive club do not discriminate against those who are in the Dead Dads Club or the Dead Parents Club, in fact, interpersonal relations between members of all clubs is highly recommended.

Meetings of Dead Moms Club are irregular, and no participation is actually required for membership.

A sense of humor is greatly appreciated among members, but only necessary if you don't wish to be offended.

Participation includes, but is not limited to: 

Writing, conversing, laughing, and crying 

Reading books you know your mom must have read and wondering what she thought about them

Hearing one of your mom's favorite songs and thinking, Hey this is one of Mom's favorite songs!

Watching a movie that was one of your mom`s favorites. Watching a movie that your mom bought for you just because you wanted it.

Thinking about your dead mom
at random moments in your life and appreciating what time you did have together.

Slow Cheetah -- Red Hot Chili Peppers

As promised, a new poem:

"Dante's Inferno"

The most horrible place
you can imagine below,
Is where you will be
after you go.

Change the Illusion
you seek to explain
All doing it so
you can inflict pain.

Follow your heart
choose the right path
Then you might really find yourself
Above rather than Below.
After you go.

Rooster -- Alice In Chains

When we were young we begrudgingly obeyed our Grandpa Bill and took turns reading The Constitution and The Bill of Rights aloud. Now I am thankful to him for the lessons we learned. When I say young, I mean like 10 or so. Maybe I didn't fully comprehend what we were reading at first, but we had to keep reading, and ask our questions afterward.

"I don't own 'ah' gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate such a rack." --Mike Meyers as Wayne from the movie Wayne's World.

I don't personally own any guns. But people in my family do. I know how to shoot a rifle. I know how to use a bow and arrow. My sister Sarah is the Annie Oakley of our bunch, but that's okay. I can still hit the target.

What I propose to you now is: please read, comprehend, and familiarize yourself with The Constitution and The Bill of Rights.

Let us reflect on what our forefathers set out to do in creating these documents. And pay particularly close attention to the wording of these documents.


I am including here the Bill of Rights:

The Bill of Rights: A Transcription 12/17/12 8:34 AM

www.archives.gov

December 17, 2012

The Bill of Rights: A Transcription
The Preamble to The Bill of Rights
Congress of the United States
begun and held at the City of New-York, on
Wednesday the fourth of March, one thousand seven hundred and eighty nine.
THE Conventions of a number of the States, having at the time of their adopting the Constitution, expressed a desire, in order to prevent misconstruction or abuse of its powers, that further declaratory and restrictive clauses should be added: And as extending the ground of public confidence in the Government, will best ensure the beneficent ends of its institution.
RESOLVED by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America, in Congress assembled, two thirds of both Houses concurring, that the following Articles be proposed to the Legislatures of the several States, as amendments to the Constitution of the United States, all, or any of which Articles, when ratified by three fourths of the said Legislatures, to be valid to all intents and purposes, as part of the said Constitution; viz.
ARTICLES in addition to, and Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America, proposed by Congress, and ratified by the Legislatures of the several States, pursuant to the fifth Article of the original Constitution.
Note: The following text is a transcription of the first ten amendments to the Constitution in their original form. These amendments were ratified December 15, 1791, and form what is known as the "Bill of Rights."
Amendment I
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
Amendment II
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
Amendment III
No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
Amendment IV
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
Amendment V
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or

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The Bill of Rights: A Transcription 12/17/12 8:34 AM

indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
Amendment VI
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.
Amendment VII
In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
Amendment VIII
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
Amendment IX
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

Anna Begins -- The Counting Crows

[Also titled Revelry -- Kings of Leon on my WordPress blog]

Thursday evening I let Annalee  read some of my blog for the first time. [In case you start wondering if I've lost my ability to write along with my mind, Anna-Lee has told me that this is how she likes to write her name. So I'll do it her way. But I know what her name is and why it is like it is.] Anyway, we started to scroll down the page to my very first blogger post, but she stopped me when she saw her name in ""With or Without You" -- U2." So we read that first. When she reached the end we were both crying. But she said, "Some of these tears are laughing tears, and some of them are sad tears." It was the perfect laughter-through-tears moment. I scrolled down to the second post, "Uh-Oh -- King Kong," and read through to "Rearview Mirror -- Pearl Jam" before we gave it up for the night. 

Annalee said, looking at me indignantly after reading Uh-Oh, "I thought you said it was funny."

"Well, some of them are funny, but they're all about Mom dying so, there's only so much funny you can get out of all of that experience..." I told her, smiling.

It all started when I was blogging. I was changing my layout, going on to explain to Annalee what the layout was, and how to change things on your blog. Then I showed her my stats, after she asked why I only had three followers and very few comments, I explained that each time I blogged, more and more people were reading. 

Looking at the titles of each blog and its popularity she queried me about the blogs themselves. She wondered, "Are they all just songs?"

"Well, each blog post title is the name of a song, and the artist name. It is either a song that I was listening to while I was writing, or a song that ties into the meaning of the blogpost itself," I attempted to explain. "Do you want to read some? You have to start at the beginning, though."

After we were finished reading, I played "With or Without You" for her. I think she enjoyed it, especially after knowing that it was one of her GG's favorite albums ever.

Later, while this song was playing, Addison asked if I liked this song--Revelry--or if I was finished listening to it.

It reminded me of all those times I begged Dad to play anything else except NPR while we were in the car. Or when Mom begged him to not play Led Zeppelin at such a loud volume. So, now that I have lived through forced-listening (which, really, results in more people who buy Led Zeppelin albums and listen to NPR podcasts of Fresh Air and Car Talk), I can decide how this is going to go.

"My iPod, my music, my stereo. That is all," I told Addison, and that was the end of that discussion.

Of course, having The Mother's Curse, it was only minutes later that I was putting the iPod out of reach after Addison had waited until I had left the room and turned my music off.

Oh well, I still have about 16 years of this to go before they are all completely from beneath my thumb, so I'll let it slide...for now.

Later, iPod in hand, I listened to Anna Begins by The Counting Crows and thought that it would be a great title for this post. After all, Anna is beginning something--something that we probably both need to read together so that we can share our feelings about this tragedy in our lives. 

I know it hurt her too, and that is what hurts me the most.   Knowing that she can read this, process it, and learn how to express her feelings in a similar manner gives me a new goal. To teach all of them as much as I can about Mom, as soon as I can. Try to capture every memory I can for them and hold onto it, because one day they will ask me about my Mother and I want to be able to tell them what a wonderful person she was--from the very beginning of her life to the very bitter end. 

Here will be some of that record. Here there will be the stories from my life, the complications of not having my mother, and, now, an effort to share with you--and them--the great memories that make having had Reba Jean as my Mother, if only for a little while. 

Oh great...now it's playing "The World I Know" by Collective Soul. Yet another song that Mom loved. 

"...and I laughed to myself

as the tears rolled down

cause it's the world I know"