I have only ever tried to use what little power, agency, or advantage that I might have in the world with good intentions, for the good of the world, as a whole. You know what they say about the road to hell being paved with good intentions. It never occurred to me to switch teams and go full evil-villain. I think there are already too many of those in this world, so it's best to just go ahead and bat clean-up for this side, even if it always kinda feels like we might not win every battle. I have tried my best, but sometimes, that's just not good enough. Instead, I've just stopped trying at all. This stuff, all the drama around the people who suck--for whatever reasons, whether they're actually valid or not--is just not a necessary use of my time and energy. Today I prayed for people that I know dislike like me--the feeling is mutual, but I prayed anyhow, that they would all be alright and somehow learn whatever lesson was necessary for them to move on with their lives. What they don't understand, though, is that I've been pissing people off by just being myself for a very long time. What I have learned is that sometimes it is really just ignorance and not always malice, in most situations. Not with a narcissist, though. Narcissists like to socially sabotage others by spreading rumors, withholding information, gaslighting, and even attempting to humiliate others in a public setting. The thing about these types of people, though, is that they can't ever get enough. Never enough attention and never enough self-esteem to go around for the narcissists. That's okay, they're probably somewhat ignorant as well. What they don't understand is that they could change for the better, if they put in some effort.
I think that I only truly regret saying something mean to one person, her name is Jennifer. If you're out there, this is for you: in the fifth or sixth grade I said something really unkind about the t-shirt that you were wearing that day. It was actually a really cool shirt and I should have told you so! I let my own hurt feelings allow me to hurt someone who very likely didn't deserve my wrath! I went home later, and lamented, to Mom, of course, about the whole situation and she was the one who made me think, you know, maybe I shouldn't have said that. The person on the receiving end, although they hadn't been super nice to me, was in the unfortunate position of being on the receiving end of a hateful remark from me--and for what? I honestly can't remember what exactly happened surrounding the event, just that my words had hurt the other person and I knew it and I couldn't take it back. The feeling has never left me, ever. I still feel bad about it to this day. So, Jennifer, if you're out there and you remember this: I'm sorry. I think about it a lot and try my best to avoid ever having that feeling again. Of all of the mean shit that I have said and done in my life, that's the one that I truly regret.
Now, if you're sitting there and are like, "whaaaaa??? what about that time you were mean to *me*?!?!?!" Well, bud, I hate to break it to you, but, it mostly likely was one of three things: completely unintentional, I don't remember being mean, or I don't feel the least bit bad about it. Could go either way, I guess. You decide!
If you, on the other hand, have been watching all this go down and are just waiting for the next update: I'm still a bitch. I just got up, looked in the mirror, checked to see, and yep, still a bitch. It's not likely to get better either. I think that everyone around me underestimates my ability to be a raging bitch while also being a decent human being. You could try it, as well, if you're so inclined. It's a paradox, much like myself, and I could keep teaching you new words but I don't want to anymore.
What I want to do, really, is be left the fuck alone. And, if you can't do that, I will continue to help you out with that by at least minding my own fucking business, like Ms. Steckler always says, "Worry 'bout ya own self."
You're still here, reading, so I am going to assume that you are minding my business too. Ok, great. Let's clear the air again:
You get to wake up every glorious morning and decide how your day will go. Will you look up at the blue sky, hear the birds chirp, and be grateful for this life? Or will you get angry and upset that your life might not be going how you want it to? Will you take that hurt and pain and use it against others? Or will you decide that being a better person than you were the day before isn't actually that difficult a choice to make? You can decide, at each moment of your life, how you choose to view things--is it a blessing or a curse?
So, the conclusion that I have come to is that I am very blessed. I am blessed with a wonderful family and a wonderful life. I have the things that I need to survive. I am also blessed that I get to be challenged each day by people who always surprise me, and a few who don't surprise me at all! What a blessing it is to be able to have a life at all and to be able to live it to the fullest!
What will you decide each morning when you wake?
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