oh god!
earlier it was easier for me, I think, to talk about who I love. I don't give a fuck about the spelling grammar or the capitalization so bear with me because I gotta get it out and let it all go.
I am not going to be afraid anymore. I am so happy and I gotta stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It's not easy for me to talk about the things that hurt so deeply and for so long. Things that I have thus far chosen not to share here but I'm finished with being ashamed of what happened to me and I am tired of waiting for the other person in this fucked up equation to just snap because that's what I have come to expect. And I'm not talking about the man that I will love until the end of my days, no, never. I am speaking of Jamie. The dreaded ex. And I have to learn to let it go.
So I have something to say to him.
I have something to say to you, Jamie:
Fuck you! You suck! Stop drinking and remember who you were trying to be before you gave up!
I gotta let go of all the times you hurt me. I can't list them all here now, but I'm gonna try to hit the top ten, OKAY?
I'm mad and hurt that you made me stop talking to my friends when we got together! I'm mad that you made me make a list of everyone I had ever fucked. GUESS WHAT, BUDDY, for twelve goddamn years the only stupid motherfucker that I fucked WAS YOU!!! Can you say the same about the time we were together? Did you really fuck my best friend and think that having her tell me that you didn't was gonna win me back?!?! I reiterate: YOU CAN HAVE HIM, I DON'T WANT HIM!!! And when I had your son and our daughter in the car at that music place on dry ridge and I came inside to find you because you wouldn't answer your phone, and found you with your arm around another woman, AT THE TIME, THAT HURT ME SO BADLY. I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!! AND I WENT RIGHT HOME AND TOLD MY MOTHER ALL ABOUT IT. MOM MAY HAVE TOLD YOU TO YOUR FACE THAT SHE LOVED YOU BUT SHE KNEW HOW FUCKED UP YOU REALLY WERE BECAUSE SHE MADE ANDY SWEAR TO GET ME AWAY FROM YOU ON HER DEATHBED!! AND SHE PROBABLY WASNT THE ONLY ONE!!
And what about all the times that you called me a slut and a whore!? Just to tear me down and make me feel bad?!?! On the camping trip in front of my entire family just because I was hanging out with my brother and his buddies instead of you!! YOU'RE SUCH A GODDAMN DRUNKEN LOSER THAT YOU PROBABLY DONT EVEN REMEMBER THAT HAPPENING!?! You embarrassed me so many times in front of my family.
I couldn't watch A Star Is Born more than once even though I love Lady Gaga so fucking much. Maybe YOU should watch that movie, Jamie, because I bet it could be a revelation to you!! you probably gotta be sober to really absorb it though.
On vacation Jeremy woke me up in the middle of the night while I was sleeping with TWO TODDLERS WHILE PREGNANT and had me to come downstairs because you had pulled out your small-ass dick and pissed all over the floor in the kitchen/dining area. I don't know how many times that I woke up to find you pissing in a corner and having to clean up after you because you were so goddamn incoherent that you couldn't do anything but like pee and stumble back toward a horizontal surface. I hate you for the way that I felt back then, so ashamed of you and your behavior when you drank "too much" or any hard liquor at all.
I try to let it go but I gotta get it all out.
I'm mad that you were so addicted to porn that you would fall asleep with porn videos playing on the phone or television. One night, when Anna Lee was really small and around the time I got pregnant with Addison, you went out and stayed out at a bar or with someone else most of the night and came home with the Paris Hilton porn movie and when I woke up in the middle of the night--after many frustrating phone calls to my mother and father before I finally went to bed--I walked into the living room to find you on the white sofa naked, you had shit and pissed yourself and masturbated until you fell asleep to the Paris video. I was so mad that I took it out of the DVD player and broke that motherfucker in half with my bare hands and threw it at you and you never even moved. And then when you woke up and I confronted you about it you made me swear to never masturbate again!!! WELL GUESS WHAT YOU SMALL DICKED MOTHERFUCKER!?!? I WENT RIGHT INTO THE SHOWER THE SAME DAY AND MASTURBATED TO SPITE YOU AND THEN EVERY FUCKING DAY THEREAFTER WHENEVER THE MOOD STRUCK AND LAUGHED ABOUT YOU BEING SO STUPID. Really you're a fucking monster. Don't even get me started about the video cameras, you disgusting prick. Thank god you aren't good with technology!!!
And what about every time we went out to eat!!?!?! You are a terrible person and a terrible person to have to wait on! It's people like you who make the movie Waiting and what they do to that guy's steak so fucking satisfying. I can only hope that every steak that you sent back to a kitchen was treated the same way because YOU FUCKING DESERVE IT!!!!
Oh yeah....here's how fucked up it ended. it was uk u of l game day and my brother and his kid came over everybody drank and had a good time, they went on home, we drank some more, your brother was there too. he lived there--I will spare you both what I know about you and your family and everything that goes along with that but DO NOT FUCKING TRY ME, OKAY!!?!?! Silver woke up and was fussing, wanted me to go to bed with him, so I did.
And you want to know how I woke up?
I was being dragged out of the bed by my arm and down the hallway and Jamie--you were screaming at me about fucking our neighbor, who had become my bestie, all because I went over to her house and hung out with her by myself for a little while and YOU HAD TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN FUCKING KIDS WHILE I WAS NEXT DOOR FOR LIKE MAYBE AN HOUR OR SO MAX!!?
I kept insisting to you at first that I wasn't fucking her, because like, we were sitting on the kitchen stairs talking when you came over to tell me that Silver was fussing and you just couldn't comprehend that I wasn't fucking anyone but your sorry ass!!! Believe me, if you hadn't gone down on me so frequently, it would have never worked out, but I guess you must have known that you couldn't satisfy a woman any other way. But like, I had never done that to anyone else and that night was definitely not the time for me to be trying it out! We were in the bedroom Anna Lee was lingering in her doorway directly across, witnessing the whole thing. I wanted to pee so badly and you wouldn't get out of my face so I pushed past you and into the bathroom to relieve myself and had no more than pulled my pants back up when you burst in and I told you to get the fuck out and let me be and tried to push you back out but the look on your face told me that you were enjoying pushing me to the edge. Ok. I slapped you with each hand repeatedly and kept saying get the fuck away from me! And then you pushed me. Hard. And I fell, The shower there by the toilet had this small ledge you had to step over and you pushed me over it into the hard tile wall and I had no sooner hit the cold wet floor of the shower when he grabbed me roughly by the shoulder and hair and yanked me back up insisting that it was an accident, a mistake, and I was screaming at you that you had put his hands on me. he still insisted that I had fucked the neighbor, screaming at me about why was I changing my pants if I hadn't fucked her!?!? And I yelled back that I was all wet WHERE YOU PUSHED ME DOWN IN THE SHOWER and that I was gonna fucking call the cops. I had my phone and was heading down the hallway, dialing 911 when she started to come at me again. all the kids were there and crying, he body checked me into the wall and I was rattling off the address and telling them that he had pushed me down and he was hurting me then and to come now. Jamie took off in the truck he had at the time and was in Anderson county before the cops caught him. ANOTHER DUI.
MAN FUCK YOU.
fourteen months you were sober and I hid the DVO paperwork in my dresser drawer under my favorite jeans for those fourteen months and only took them out again when I was really ready for it to be over.
you jerked my iPod out of my hands and crumpled it in front of me when I didn't want to fight and scream with you anymore. when I told you NAMASTE, MOTHERFUCKER and it made you so mad that you broke my magic music machine!!! I took your stupid change jar and told the apple store employees what you had done and got a new one. It cost me $75 and it wasn't engraved with Laura Beth Desinas Ineptire anymore--but I still have it. Because fuck you.
I told you that I was done with our marriage and that I didn't want to be with you anymore. You told me that you didn't even like me anymore. I wanted it to be over but you were never gonna let me go.
there was only one way you would let me go and you had told me that from the beginning. and that was if I cheated on you.
fuck all the expensive lingerie you bought me after I cheated on you and told you about it and then destroyed not only a shit ton of clothing and lingerie but also the leather gloves that were Evelyn's. It hurts to this day because I can't replace them. FUCK YOU FOR THAT
fuck you for not actually letting me go even after I fucked an old boyfriend and told you about it. (also sorry bout that, dude and his girl, that was not the greatest moment in my life BUT IT WAS EFFECTIVE)
It took me a long time to get a divorce because you sucked so much. You were out selling drugs and I guess doing some of them too. You went on a downward spiral and ended up in jail but you haven't ever hit the real rock bottom have you, dude???
There was a time when all of these things that you have done to me hurt me so badly. But you want to know what hurts so much worse???
WHY CANT YOU BE SOBER JAMIE? WHY CAN'T YOU BE A DECENT MAN AND A GOOD FATHER?!?!
What hurts me more than the few bumps and bruises I physically endured and all the mental, emotional, sexual, and financial abuse I suffered, what is so much worse, is not being able to change who the children's father is so that they can have a decent one. I, of course, have chosen the best possible life mate to stand by my side now, but I can't replace their father in their lives with anyone else. They will suffer because of you, Jamie, and your poor life choices and that hurts more than anything because I don't think that you will ever be the man your mother expected you to be--Yeah, JAMIE, I DON'T THINK YOU ARE MAKING YOUR MOTHER VERY HAPPY. But if shaming you for your behavior worked, you would have made improvements ages ago.
So I gotta let it out and let it go. I don't know if this is just the tip of an iceberg or if this is truly the end. I want so much for it to finally be over and for Jamie to leave me alone once and for all.
just leave me alone. this is my most polite request.
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