Chakra Daemon -- Foreign Air

I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't know how to go about living my life like everyone else. People always say that I should let things go, don't let things get to me, stop caring so much. I don't know how to do that. I wish that I did. I wish I lived in a world where it was okay to care too much. Everyone seems content to go on with life even if it's not entirely what they want it to be, accepting this palpable unhappiness settling into their souls. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to accept the status quo.

I haven't entirely processed everything that's happened in the last year. I'm sad. I miss Jonathan and I'm still fucking sad about it.

I don't know what I was thinking this time last year. I guess I just wasn't. I wasn't considerate of his feelings like I should have been...after he died and the funeral was over and Halloween came and went, I flew to Nevada and had an adventure with someone who pretended to love me. Why? Why did I do that?

Jonathan came to me and was very upset. I was in the master bedroom at Dad's house, and he hugged me and cried and I didn't know what to say or do. The last time I saw him in person before he died he was upset. He wasn't mad at me, he made that much clear. I wasn't trying to do anything to hurt him. I was just trying to have a happily ever after. I didn't think about how alone he was. I didn't think about how much I was hurting other people in my life by doing the things that I did. I guess I never really do.

So here it is. My confession of guilt. I feel terrible that I neglected my relationship with him, that I didn't try harder to comfort him, to reach out and tell him that he was loved. I feel terrible for not seeing all his tweets to me, that I didn't call him more often, that I didn't take more time to tell him how much he meant to me. I feel bad that he was alone.

People deal with loss differently. I guess I don't deal with it very well at all. I avoid. I withdraw. I isolate myself from others, hoping to avoid the pain of having to talk about the things that upset me.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I have lost sight of my purpose in this world. I've lost the desire to talk to anyone. I have lost so much already and I am afraid I'm losing myself again. I'm trying to find my way back to being myself without worrying about what everyone else thinks. And all the while I struggle to get through each day raising these kids as best I can. At least they're great kids. At least I can be here with them to teach them, love them and encourage them to become good people.