Push -- Matchbox 20

I'm a pusher. I push people away. I push people to their breaking points, watch them shatter, and walk away, smiling like the crazy bitch that I am.

Some people know this about me and they push back. They insert themselves into my life and refuse to give up on me or be pushed away. I like those kinds of people, I guess. All the rest just give up too easily. They see me and if I'm having a bad day, or two bad days in a row, they're like "whoa, what the fuck?" But to me it's a test I'm giving you. You don't know you're taking it. Sometimes I'm not even aware that I'm giving it. But later, when you go, I look back and say, "Well, they just didn't pass the test." 

You should cut your losses and be okay with that, if that's the case. I can't be bothered with trying to reel people back in. I push people away, and some stay away. And some keep pushing their way back in, relentless bastards. 

It bothers me when people call me crazy and tell me that I need help. Why? Because I just smile in your face when you try to put me down? Because I laugh at you and agree when you say horrible shit to me? If that makes me crazy, I'll gladly take it. 

Sticks and stones will break my bones,

But YOUR words no longer have the power to hurt me.

People against internet bullying really hate the sticks and stones bit, and I understand that. But there is always gonna be that one asshole that uses all the hurtful words in the world to try and tear you down. You've gotta be ready for that shit when it happens. Because it will. Oh yes, there will come a day that you walk into a room and all the eyes are on you and someone is saying the most horrible things that you could ever dream of about you.

You see, I made the mistake of responding at all. You really just shouldn't respond. It's so much better that way. People don't know what to do with you when you don't respond. It puzzles them. Sometimes it frightens them. And that's just going to have to be okay because, that's what you need to  do. Be like Jesus. Be like SpongeBob. Absorb the blows like a sponge, only don't make that really annoying squeaky sound, because that's a response. And we don't want that.

I'm never going to be whatever it is that you want me to be. And I'm not going to apologize for that anymore. Sure, I will apologize to you when I lose my cool and respond, because usually it's not good when I do. But this is me, Beth The Pusher. Beth the Bitch. Beth the Blank Wall.  

If I've ever lied to you it's because I was scared of what would happen if you knew the truth. Turns out that's my weakness. Trying to keep people in my life when all I really need to do is give them one good, hard push and see if they go. 

If I push you and you don't push back, if I push you and you go, you didn't belong here anyway. And I will have to make my peace with that. It's hard, losing people. It's even harder trusting people. 

This is not an invitation. If I've pushed you away, then I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. If I've already cut you out of my life then no pushing either way is going to get you back in. 

You can call me crazy.

You can call me a life-ruiner.

You can call me a heart breaker. 

But I'm a pusher, I'm going to push you until you break. 

And, if I feel like you need it, I might just help you pick up all the pieces. 

Or I might just walk away and wait to see if you can do it yourself.