Push -- Matchbox 20

I'm a pusher. I push people away. I push people to their breaking points, watch them shatter, and walk away, smiling like the crazy bitch that I am.

Some people know this about me and they push back. They insert themselves into my life and refuse to give up on me or be pushed away. I like those kinds of people, I guess. All the rest just give up too easily. They see me and if I'm having a bad day, or two bad days in a row, they're like "whoa, what the fuck?" But to me it's a test I'm giving you. You don't know you're taking it. Sometimes I'm not even aware that I'm giving it. But later, when you go, I look back and say, "Well, they just didn't pass the test." 

You should cut your losses and be okay with that, if that's the case. I can't be bothered with trying to reel people back in. I push people away, and some stay away. And some keep pushing their way back in, relentless bastards. 

It bothers me when people call me crazy and tell me that I need help. Why? Because I just smile in your face when you try to put me down? Because I laugh at you and agree when you say horrible shit to me? If that makes me crazy, I'll gladly take it. 

Sticks and stones will break my bones,

But YOUR words no longer have the power to hurt me.

People against internet bullying really hate the sticks and stones bit, and I understand that. But there is always gonna be that one asshole that uses all the hurtful words in the world to try and tear you down. You've gotta be ready for that shit when it happens. Because it will. Oh yes, there will come a day that you walk into a room and all the eyes are on you and someone is saying the most horrible things that you could ever dream of about you.

You see, I made the mistake of responding at all. You really just shouldn't respond. It's so much better that way. People don't know what to do with you when you don't respond. It puzzles them. Sometimes it frightens them. And that's just going to have to be okay because, that's what you need to  do. Be like Jesus. Be like SpongeBob. Absorb the blows like a sponge, only don't make that really annoying squeaky sound, because that's a response. And we don't want that.

I'm never going to be whatever it is that you want me to be. And I'm not going to apologize for that anymore. Sure, I will apologize to you when I lose my cool and respond, because usually it's not good when I do. But this is me, Beth The Pusher. Beth the Bitch. Beth the Blank Wall.  

If I've ever lied to you it's because I was scared of what would happen if you knew the truth. Turns out that's my weakness. Trying to keep people in my life when all I really need to do is give them one good, hard push and see if they go. 

If I push you and you don't push back, if I push you and you go, you didn't belong here anyway. And I will have to make my peace with that. It's hard, losing people. It's even harder trusting people. 

This is not an invitation. If I've pushed you away, then I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. If I've already cut you out of my life then no pushing either way is going to get you back in. 

You can call me crazy.

You can call me a life-ruiner.

You can call me a heart breaker. 

But I'm a pusher, I'm going to push you until you break. 

And, if I feel like you need it, I might just help you pick up all the pieces. 

Or I might just walk away and wait to see if you can do it yourself.

Tyler -- The Toadies

Here's a tip: I will not change for you. Or for anyone, for that matter. If I need to make a change in my life I will do it for myself and my kids. I'm not going to ask you to change either. It's unnecessary. Because you're not going to. I know that. Honestly, I don't expect you to.

I'm going to read three or four books at one time and listen to the Meat Puppets regardless of what you think about it. I will work on me, grow as a person, and improve my life one day at a time.

I have an endless capacity for love. I think I told you that. That's the one thing that this world will never take from me. You can take my friends, my cousins, my lover, my mother, but you will never take away my ability to show others love and kindness.

Since Mom died I have struggled with anger. I feel anger toward God because I don't understand his plan. That is my struggle. I accept that. And I also accept that most of you will tell me that I shouldn't be angry with God. But that doesn't really help me. In fact, sometimes I just need a hug. My kids give the best hugs. Because they love me no matter what. They don't care if I have fucked up everything. They open their arms and embrace me with unconditional love. That's all I really need.

Nero loved me like that. He didn't care if I was being a bitch, he'd follow me around everywhere I went waiting for me to reach out and pet his soft ears. He ran away, you know. Last week I had a dream that I went back to my house and there he was, sitting by the back door whining to come inside. "Look who's back!" I exclaimed, and we rejoiced.


People like to think of me as cold and uncaring. I invite that, in a way, I suppose. I don't react the way people expect me to, so they naturally assume that I don't care. People have told me that, quite a lot actually. People that love me have told me so. What I'd like to say is that is your fucking problem, not mine. But I can't act like that either, so I'm told.

When Mom told me she had cancer I had no outward emotional response. Apparently that really bothers people. She said she thought of me as the Ice Princess. To be quite honest, it had never occurred to me to be anything other than what I felt was me. But it bothered her. She told me that I had never said anything like that I was sorry that she had cancer, or shared my feelings. I know if you've been with me since the beginning, that you already know this story. I told her that day on the phone that I was pissed off at God. She made me promise that I would not hate God for what was happening to her. I made a promise that was a lie the moment it left my lips. I did hate God for it. Right or wrong, that's how I felt.

It took me years to realize that I could only feel hate for God because I loved him so. I knew it. But I did not accept that they were two sides of the same coin. I only have the capacity to hate when I have experienced love. There cannot be one without the other. People who have wronged me in my life I have thought back on and said to myself, I hate them. But it was only when I realized that I could only harbor that hatred instead of love that I decided to change the way that I felt about those people. I love them despite their flaws, in spite of their actions toward me, because it is better for me to accept that those people held a place of love in my heart, and that they always will. If I try to hold onto the hate that I might feel, I am only hurting myself. So I let it go. It doesn't make the hurt go away, but I feel better knowing that I can love those who think that they are incapable of loving others in return. I can treat others with respect and kindness when they show me hatred and disrespect.

From the beginning, we have all heard the saying "two wrongs don't make a right." It's true. If you slap me and I hit you back, we both lose. It happened once that a girl slapped my face. And I did the wrong thing. After I laughed in her face and said, "Really, bitch?" I should have just walked away. I know that now. But at the time I let anger control me, rage was my friend, and I smashed my fist into her mouth because she had braces and I knew it would hurt like hell. But I was conscious enough to know that if I grabbed her and put her head through the glass trophy case like I wanted to, that things would go really wrong really fast. I'm sorry. I was wrong. I should have turned the other cheek.

Don't make the mistake of misunderstanding me. I will always defend myself and those who are unable to defend themselves. If your intention is to physically hurt me, how fast can you run? Because, first, you better be able to catch me. And if you do, you better be ready to seal the deal. I am not afraid of pain. I am not afraid that you might hurt me. I am afraid that I will retaliate. So just don't bother, okay? It will not end how you want it to, and when you fight, no one wins--regardless of who's left standing.

I say this only because I have changed. I'm not a hot headed teenager anymore. I'm not going to hit you back. I'm gonna laugh in your fucking face and dare you to do it again. And again.

Do not come to me with your stories of suffering as an argument for me to change my morals. My morals are steady, solidly built in my mind and in my heart. You cannot change them. They will not falter. I will never again whine to you that life is so unfair, that all these things that have happened in my life are someone else's fault. "I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul." And if I do, be kind enough to remind me of my own words. I can only take those stories of suffering and internalize them, I think about your story and try to imagine how you must feel. I am a better person for that. But don't expect me to pull the pity card when you pull yours, because no matter what you have gone through, are going through, or will go through, someone out there in the world is living through the most horrific thing imaginable. Just stop your pity party for one second and consider that. Sit down and be thankful that you are still alive. Be thankful for all the blessings in your life. Because to do otherwise is to tempt fate. You think you've had it rough? You think you have it rough right now? You do. I won't say that you aren't struggling. We all are. Just remember that. We are all suffering. But it could always be worse.

Rebel Yell -- Billy Idol

My Mom is dead. If you've been following along you know this already.

Don't ask me if I'm okay, because I will say yes while thinking no. No I'm not fucking okay. 

For me, Mom was my conscience, my filter, my mentor. Now I'm looking around for guidance and all I really have, all I've ever had are my Family. They're not Mom, of course, but a little spark of her remains in each one of us. And that is what I cherish. 

I'm difficult. I'm an abrasive asshole. I will tell you all the things you don't want to hear. And I have to do it because she's not here to do it. 

Try to make me weak. Try to crush my soul, go ahead. I fuckin dare you. I'm more afraid of my dead mother than I am of any of you assholes. You better hope that when you go to attack me in any way, shape, or form that you take me to my fuckin grave. Because if you don't I will exact revenge. The kind of revenge my Mother loved best: living well and being happy. 

No matter what else happens I will strive to be happy and make the world a better place. I'm gonna do that whether you give a fuck or not. Because that's what Mom would do. 

Most Christian people live their lives by "What Would Jesus Do?" I'd like to challenge that ideal. What would my Mother do??? Exactly what Jesus would do. Motherfucker upended tables and whipped some assholes. Think about that for a while.