"You Can't Always Get What You Want"--The Rolling Stones

It was like living in some warped confluence of Sally Field movies, in which I alternately became mother in Steel Magnolias and daughter in Two Weeks. Dad was there though. The nurses had called out to the ICU waiting room to tell them that it was getting close, and he came. Early that Wednesday morning she had opened her eyes, but then later she would raise her eyebrows as if she wanted to open her eyes, but couldn’t summon the strength. All I can say is that at least it wasn’t weeks and weeks of downhill and suffering before those final days. I don’t know if I could have borne it if it had been any other way. If it had been any other way I wish that it had been exactly the opposite of how it was. I wish that she had been sent to the ICU for massive antibiotics that cured the infection and that we had had many more years together. I wish that she could be here with me when this new baby is born. I always say the same thing, my trademark whine, it’s not fair. It’s really not fair. But then again, as Dad always said when we whined the trademark whine as children, “Life’s not fair.” Then he would launch into the Stones’ “You can’t always get what you want.” Too bad.

On May 12, 2010, shortly before six PM, my Mother died. I wish I could be like Sally Field and say that, "it was the most precious moment of my life." But that's a movie line, not life. It was the most terrible moment of my life. My sister hugged me hard and said, "You're supposed to say 'Mom.'"

"What?"

"You're supposed to say 'Mom', remember?"

I couldn't. Mom had always said that if she died, all I would have to do is yell for her and she'd get right up and see what I needed. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. Even if it had worked, I don't think zombie Mom would be nearly as much fun as alive Mom.