Alien — Britney Spears

 

Just something pleasant to see. 

Slowly Spilling Out — Saint Motel & Learn To Let Go -- Kesha

oh god!

earlier it was easier for me, I think, to talk about who I love. I don't give a fuck about the spelling grammar or the capitalization so bear with me because I gotta get it out and let it all go.

I am not going to be afraid anymore. I am so happy and I gotta stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

It's not easy for me to talk about the things that hurt so deeply and for so long. Things that I have thus far chosen not to share here but I'm finished with being ashamed of what happened to me and I am tired of waiting for the other person in this fucked up equation to just snap because that's what I have come to expect. And I'm not talking about the man that I will love until the end of my days, no, never. I am speaking of Jamie. The dreaded ex. And I have to learn to let it go. 

So I have something to say to him.

I have something to say to you, Jamie:

Fuck you! You suck! Stop drinking and remember who you were trying to be before you gave up!

I gotta let go of all the times you hurt me. I can't list them all here now, but I'm gonna try to hit the top ten, OKAY?

I'm mad and hurt that you made me stop talking to my friends when we got together! I'm mad that you made me make a list of everyone I had ever fucked. GUESS WHAT, BUDDY, for twelve goddamn years the only stupid motherfucker that I fucked WAS YOU!!! Can you say the same about the time we were together? Did you really fuck my best friend and think that having her tell me that you didn't was gonna win me back?!?! I reiterate: YOU CAN HAVE HIM, I DON'T WANT HIM!!! And when I had your son and our daughter in the car at that music place on dry ridge and I came inside to find you because you wouldn't answer your phone, and found you with your arm around another woman,  AT THE TIME, THAT HURT ME SO BADLY. I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!! AND I WENT RIGHT HOME AND TOLD MY MOTHER ALL ABOUT IT. MOM MAY HAVE TOLD YOU TO YOUR FACE THAT SHE LOVED YOU BUT SHE KNEW HOW FUCKED UP YOU REALLY WERE BECAUSE SHE MADE ANDY SWEAR TO GET ME AWAY FROM YOU ON HER DEATHBED!! AND SHE PROBABLY WASNT THE ONLY ONE!!

And what about all the times that you called me a slut and a whore!? Just to tear me down and make me feel bad?!?! On the camping trip in front of my entire family just because I was hanging out with my brother and his buddies instead of you!! YOU'RE SUCH A GODDAMN DRUNKEN LOSER THAT YOU PROBABLY DONT EVEN REMEMBER THAT HAPPENING!?! You embarrassed me so many times in front of my family. 

I couldn't watch A Star Is Born more than once even though I love Lady Gaga so fucking much. Maybe YOU should watch that movie, Jamie, because I bet it could be a revelation to you!! you probably gotta be sober to really absorb it though. 

On vacation Jeremy woke me up in the middle of the night while I was sleeping with TWO TODDLERS WHILE PREGNANT and had me to come downstairs because you had pulled out your small-ass dick and pissed all over the floor in the kitchen/dining area. I don't know how many times that I woke up to find you pissing in a corner and having to clean up after you because you were so goddamn incoherent that you couldn't do anything but like pee and stumble back toward a horizontal surface. I hate you for the way that I felt back then, so ashamed of you and your behavior when you drank "too much" or any hard liquor at all.

I try to let it go but I gotta get it all out. 

I'm mad that you were so addicted to porn that you would fall asleep with porn videos playing on the phone or television. One night, when Anna Lee was really small and around the time I got pregnant with Addison, you went out and stayed out at a bar or with someone else most of the night and came home with the Paris Hilton porn movie and when I woke up in the middle of the night--after many frustrating phone calls to my mother and father before I finally went to bed--I walked into the living room to find you on the white sofa naked, you had shit and pissed yourself and masturbated until you fell asleep to the Paris video. I was so mad that I took it out of the DVD player and broke that motherfucker in half with my bare hands and threw it at you and you never even moved. And then when you woke up and I confronted you about it you made me swear to never masturbate again!!! WELL GUESS WHAT YOU SMALL DICKED MOTHERFUCKER!?!? I WENT RIGHT INTO THE SHOWER THE SAME DAY AND MASTURBATED TO SPITE YOU AND THEN EVERY FUCKING DAY THEREAFTER WHENEVER THE MOOD STRUCK AND LAUGHED ABOUT YOU BEING SO STUPID. Really you're a fucking monster. Don't even get me started about the video cameras, you disgusting prick. Thank god you aren't good with technology!!!

And what about every time we went out to eat!!?!?! You are a terrible person and a terrible person to have to wait on! It's people like you who make the movie Waiting and what they do to that guy's steak so fucking satisfying. I can only hope that every steak that you sent back to a kitchen was treated the same way because YOU FUCKING DESERVE IT!!!!

Oh yeah....here's how fucked up it ended. it was uk u of l game day and my brother and his kid came over everybody drank and had a good time, they went on home, we drank some more, your brother was there too. he lived there--I will spare you both what I know about you and your family and everything that goes along with that but DO NOT FUCKING TRY ME, OKAY!!?!?! Silver woke up and was fussing, wanted me to go to bed with him, so I did. 

And you want to know how I woke up?

I was being dragged out of the bed by my arm and down the hallway and Jamie--you were screaming at me about fucking our neighbor, who had become my bestie, all because I went over to her house and hung out with her by myself for a little while and YOU HAD TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN FUCKING KIDS WHILE I WAS NEXT DOOR FOR LIKE MAYBE AN HOUR OR SO MAX!!? 

I kept insisting to you at first that I wasn't fucking her, because like, we were sitting on the kitchen stairs talking when you came over to tell me that Silver was fussing and you just couldn't comprehend that I wasn't fucking anyone but your sorry ass!!! Believe me, if you hadn't gone down on me so frequently, it would have never worked out, but I guess you must have known that you couldn't satisfy a woman any other way. But like, I had never done that to anyone else and that night was definitely not the time for me to be trying it out! We were in the bedroom Anna Lee was lingering in her doorway directly across, witnessing the whole thing. I wanted to pee so badly and you wouldn't get out of my face so I pushed past you and into the bathroom to relieve myself and had no more than pulled my pants back up when you burst in and I told you to get the fuck out and let me be and tried to push you back out but the look on your face told me that you were enjoying pushing me to the edge. Ok. I slapped you with each hand repeatedly and kept saying get the fuck away from me! And then you pushed me. Hard. And I fell, The shower there by the toilet had this small ledge you had to step over and you pushed me over it into the hard tile wall and I had no sooner hit the cold wet floor of the shower when he grabbed me roughly by the shoulder and hair and yanked me back up insisting that it was an accident, a mistake, and I was screaming at you that you had put his hands on me. he still insisted that I had fucked the neighbor, screaming at me about why was I changing my pants if I hadn't fucked her!?!? And I yelled back that I was all wet WHERE YOU PUSHED ME DOWN IN THE SHOWER and that I was gonna fucking call the cops. I had my phone and was heading down the hallway, dialing 911 when she started to come at me again. all the kids were there and crying, he body checked me into the wall and I was rattling off the address and telling them that he had pushed me down and he was hurting me then and to come now. Jamie took off in the truck he had at the time and was in Anderson county before the cops caught him. ANOTHER DUI. 

MAN FUCK YOU. 

fourteen months you were sober and I hid the DVO paperwork in my dresser drawer under my favorite jeans for those fourteen months and only took them out again when I was really ready for it to be over. 

you jerked my iPod out of my hands and crumpled it in front of me when I didn't want to fight and scream with you anymore. when I told you NAMASTE, MOTHERFUCKER and it made you so mad that you broke my magic music machine!!! I took your stupid change jar and told the apple store employees what you had done and got a new one. It cost me $75 and it wasn't engraved with Laura Beth Desinas Ineptire anymore--but I still have it. Because fuck you. 

I told you that I was done with our marriage and that I didn't want to be with you anymore. You told me that you didn't even like me anymore. I wanted it to be over but you were never gonna let me go.

there was only one way you would let me go and you had told me that from the beginning. and that was if I cheated on you.

fuck all the expensive lingerie you bought me after I cheated on you and told you about it and then destroyed not only a shit ton of clothing and lingerie but also the leather gloves that were Evelyn's. It hurts to this day because I can't replace them. FUCK YOU FOR THAT

fuck you for not actually letting me go even after I fucked an old boyfriend and told you about it. (also sorry bout that, dude and his girl, that was not the greatest moment in my life BUT IT WAS EFFECTIVE)

It took me a long time to get a divorce because you sucked so much. You were out selling drugs and I guess doing some of them too. You went on a downward spiral and ended up in jail but you haven't ever hit the real rock bottom have you, dude???

There was a time when all of these things that you have done to me hurt me so badly. But you want to know what hurts so much worse???

WHY CANT YOU BE SOBER JAMIE? WHY CAN'T YOU BE A DECENT MAN AND A GOOD FATHER?!?!  

What hurts me more than the few bumps and bruises I physically endured and all the mental, emotional, sexual, and financial abuse I suffered, what is so much worse, is not being able to change who the children's father is so that they can have a decent one. I, of course, have chosen the best possible life mate to stand by my side now, but I can't replace their father in their lives with anyone else. They will suffer because of you, Jamie, and your poor life choices and that hurts more than anything because I don't think that you will ever be the man your mother expected you to be--Yeah, JAMIE, I DON'T THINK YOU ARE MAKING YOUR MOTHER VERY HAPPY. But if shaming you for your behavior worked, you would have made improvements ages ago. 

So I gotta let it out and let it go. I don't know if this is just the tip of an iceberg or if this is truly the end. I want so much for it to finally be over and for Jamie to leave me alone once and for all. 

just leave me alone. this is my most polite request. 

Slow Dance — Saint Motel

When I met him, I just knew.

I always just kinda thought that love at first sight was just something that people said—it only happens in stories and on film. But I met a man, quite unexpectedly, who handed me a crystal and told me that my aura or vibe or whatever was very weird. 

I knew it in that very first moment we met. I knew that this was the person that I was supposed to meet—he was why I came here!?! It was such a strange thought to me at the time, because, of course, how could I know that I would meet him? It was a whirlwind, sudden and intense and, in the beginning I was naive and had a very unhealthy idea of what love might entail—the person who had consumed my life before had done just that—consumed who I was and swallowed down in great gasping gulps all the love and support that I had to offer until my cup was cracked so badly I had feared it may never overflow again! Never would I have to endure such draining attention masquerading as love, not now that I had met someone who was capable of loving me like I had always deserved! And what a revelation to my soul and how healing it was to have a mate who is complimentary and uplifting rather than impetuous and degrading! How very different it is to come to expect tenderness where there was once ridicule, laughter instead of shouting, and how strange to be told, “No!” and that perhaps I can’t have everything that I want! 

The path I had chosen back then wasn’t easy, and I had known that the day I decided to really be happy again. I would have to learn, grow, and figure out who I was as a human, independent person, mother, and woman. It’s a journey that I am still on today. It’s been over ten years since I had met the man who would be there with me through all the amazing, unbelievable, terrible, and awesome events that life can bring. Living inside of the sprawling suburban-utopian-lie of a house had been my comfort zone simply because my prison cell had become so familiar to me. Steven came into my life, took one look around, and promptly sent me to “relax” by myself outside the house for the first time in years (I wasn’t very good at it at first)! And, when the divorce was final and I had lost it all—that suburban dream home and all it’s promises—while we snuggled together in bed searching apartment listings, instead of telling me what I wanted to hear when I was so very sad in that moment, Steven told me what I needed to hear first and then comforted me when I found the truth upsetting! 

Is it real? Could it be true? Who was this person in my life showing me a new and altogether different way of living that made things better for our family—more enjoyable, fun, and, most importantly, safe!?!? Wasn’t that what I had been missing? Wasn’t this the life partner that I had wanted all along? Maybe true love isn’t being told everything you want to hear when you want to hear it and, instead, is something more akin to telling the ones you love the truth when they need to hear it the most, even if it’s painful or unpleasant. 

A decade ago, before I had grown and changed so much more than I could have ever dreamed, I was struggling with a great loss. My mother had passed and the grief had caused me to suffer greatly with depression. When I met Steven, my whole life was changing and I decided then and there that I wanted him to be a part of it always. So much has happened in those ten years and we have been through so many different challenges in our lives, both as individuals and as partners in this life. For a whole year, a little more than a year, I suppose, we were apart. I enforced a boundary that I think did us both some good. It took nearly the whole year for me to stop being so upset at being apart. After a while there would be days that I didn’t think about him. After months I could listen to songs and not have to change the music because it reminded me of him. I emailed him to tell him of my little victories in not being so upset about us being apart.

And then I made a phone call. One call and it was…like the time had never passed. I came here and wrote. It took more than one conversation but I finally found a way to communicate clearly with him and let him know how I felt, not only about the past year, but also about how things had ended and how I never really wanted to have to go through that again. And, we don’t have to—because love is a conscious effort.

And so I have decided. I will choose love every day. And I choose to share it with all who participate in this life with me. 

Odessa--Caribou & Tear In Space--Glass Animals

Fifteen years ago today we lost our Mother. 

For anyone who knows what it’s like, I’m sure you understand our family’s complicated relationship with Mother’s Day. She passed on the Wednesday after Mother’s Day that year. We had gone shopping to get her a whole bunch of comfy clothes to wear when she came home from the hospital. She never came home from the hospital alive. We buried her body in the ground in the cemetery down the road. I go there and lay on the grave, stretched out on the grass, hoping for something, anything to show me that she’s still looking out for us, something to show me that there is still enough good in the world to not let it tear me down. Very often it is a gust of wind, the sudden appearance of birds flying overhead. Nature’s delights before me to enjoy, and so I do, because I can no longer enjoy the physical presence and comfort of my Mother. 

Four years after she passed, we spent a whole afternoon cleaning out her clothes and toiletries, all her stuff. And we divided it up amongst us. I got one of the pairs of pajama pants. I wore the hell out of them. Wore them until they were tattered and could finally be tossed out, which, although tough to do, I have been doing more and more of recently. They are, after all, only things. 

For many years after she passed, a whiff of Chanel No. 5 could sometimes bring my whole world crashing down, memories of my Mother flooding back in a motion picture inside my mind that was more real than any movie could ever be—laying in the bed with her in the mornings, sunny and quiet, rubbing her ear lobe and snuggling under the covers. Her smile, her laugh, the face she gave me when I did something that we both knew was mean. I can only hope that I have grown up to be the person that she always knew that I am—a spitfire that she helped grow into a steady flame that refuses to be extinguished by any other unkind human. I remember her. I will always carry her memories with me wherever I go. I don’t even have to close my eyes; in the magical conjuring of memories within my mind, I see her in a plaid button up, smiling, her hair cut short, half-turning as I say something while she walks toward the utility room, away from me. I must get that from Dad, talking to people while they are leaving the room. 

I said before, probably more than once, that I didn’t know how to carry on in this life without her. But, like so many things that have come to pass, I was wrong. I knew how to do it because she showed me the way. She kept on living her life and dutifully caring for her responsibilities in that life—and then some—until the day she passed. She was strong enough to take care of her own Mother when she was ill and passed when I was still young. She was strong enough to continue to care for us and also take care of her father in his remaining years after Grandma passed, despite how cantankerous he could be at times. I selfishly remember all the things that I so loved about my Mother and sometimes forget that she was a lot of different things to so many different people—and they all loved her. I know she loved them too and she tried her best to show it in her everyday actions. Actively participating in things to improve her family, her home, and her community. 

When Mom died, I thought that I couldn’t go on without her. The thought was crippling for me, for a very long time. I’m glad that I was wrong about myself. I am so much stronger than I, at times, give myself credit for—and it’s tough to admit. I couldn’t speak at Bill’s funeral or at Jonathan’s. People had turned to me expectantly—but I couldn’t do it. Much like Sarah wanting me to call for Mom after her heart stopped beating. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t call out, “Mom!” Not because I didn’t want her back, but because I was truly afraid that she would come back just for me and then suffer some more. When Billie passed away, not only was I strong enough to be with her when she passed, but I was also strong enough to put something together to say at her funeral, and say it, though I had to pause and gather myself at first. It was so very difficult, but I did it. I like to think they are both proud of me for that. And for being strong enough to carry on without them. 

Today, it is the toughest of all the days, the day after Mother’s Day. It is Death Day, and it is rainy. That’s okay, it’s pretty fitting because I, too, have water falling from my face. I don’t fight it so much anymore, when the tears come. I know that if I do hold it all in, it’s bound to come out anyway, and quite possibly at the least inopportune time. Who needs that!? I’m supposed to work on emotional regulation…how is that even a thing? How do you regulate something that lives within your soul and shines through in everything that you do? How can you regulate the waves of an endless ocean? 

I’m determined to learn to surf just like I learned to skateboard. As I roll along this path of life, I don’t find myself drowning in the rising waves, or tumbling in the surf. Instead I find myself floating peacefully when I have swum too hard and need a break. When the waters get choppy, I reach out to my family and find that I have my own set of life preservers that I maintain for myself and my family. We are not alone in this life, and the further along we get, the more convinced I am that we never were alone. All this time, all those who have come before us guide us through this life with their love and light, even if it sometimes seems so far away. All you have to do is pause, take a moment to enjoy this place, our Earthly home, the nature within it and all its beauty, and be grateful for this precious moment in time in which we are all so lucky to live. 

What a blessing it was to have such a Mother! How terrible it was to lose her! How awful it still sometimes is! 

I dry my eyes and get on with my day, because that’s what I’m here to do. I am here to guide others through this life, just as I was by my own Mother. I also have three very wonderful people who call me Mom, and for me, it’s enough to carry on no matter what challenges I may face. And I know, in my heart, that when my time comes to pass from this world, that they will have the tools they need to carry on without me and will have, within their hearts, all the love in the world in which to carry on without me, because they must be the light and love for the future they create for themselves.

A Stranger -- A Perfect Circle

The Thirteenth Step

What if you just keep trying to complete the first twelve steps but you fail to realize, every single time you wind up back in the bottle, that there's a thirteenth step? 

And, of course, now that you've heard about it, you want to know what it is, don't you?

I'm sure of it. 

Just as sure as I am that you'll have to actually complete the other twelve steps in their entirety, successfully, before the thirteenth will be revealed to you. 

I also know that the very thing that you hate so much about all of us is the very thing in this whole world that you wish that you had. Unconditional love and acceptance. A peaceful home where your soul can rest and in which you can be completely yourself and at ease, knowing that the ones who are there with you really do love you. I guess it's easier to hate people and drive them away than it is to face the reality of your own actions and the accountability of the consequences of those actions. 

Cast the

calming apple

Up and over

satellites

To draw out the 

timid wild one

To convince you

it's alright

And I listen for

the whisper

Of your sweet

insanity

While I formulate 

denials

Of your effect on me

You're a stranger

So what do I care?

You vanished today

Not the first time

I hear

All the lies

What am I to do with 

all this silence?

Shy away, shy

away phantom

Run away, 

terrified child

Won't you move

away you fuckin' 

tornado

I'm better off

without you 

Tearing' my will down 

--Billy Howerdel, Maynard James Keenan

When you're tired of all of it, come back, won't you? To this life, this reality, this family, this world, this unique existence. 

And, if you're ready then, maybe I'll tell you a story.

All's Well That Ends -- Rainbow Kitten Surprise

[originally written in 2019]

A few events have happened of late that have guided me back to this page and the lessons I've lived through and shared here. I keep writing. Sometimes the subject I begin writing about writes itself around to the subject of grief and loss.

There are so many types of loss in life. People come into our lives and leave again in many different ways. I have sought the words to comfort those that I see around me who are struggling with grief and I keep coming back to the same idea despite the details of who I am considering offering comforting words. No matter what the conditions of loss are, the details surrounding your grief--whether you've lost a loved one, changed jobs, moved to a new home, or ended a relationship, you will face grief. Grief is a unique experience for everyone in each and every encounter with loss and should always be approached without judgement of the bereaved and how they express and experience that grief. That is what makes this subject difficult to discuss--we do not wish to cause anyone any more suffering than they are already enduring.

Attachment causes suffering. We become attached to people, places, things, routines, and feelings. It's only when something changes that we begin to notice how that one seemingly singular change has caused chain a reaction in every other aspect of our lives. The desire for the reversal of these changes is what truly causes our suffering. We remember the way things were before and long to return to that state. This is not possible. You cannot go back in time. You cannot undo what has been done. This is the most difficult realization of all to actually internalize, I think. Despite knowing that we can't reverse changes in life, we sometimes still behave as though we fully expect everything to be exactly the same.

[ unfinished piece written in 2019. My thoughts: I like radical acceptance for the unexpected things that happen in life. I also like that I am confident enough in both myself and also my faith that there is goodness in the world—so much so that I continue to walk away from the negative situations that I find myself in with the utmost faith that something better is bound to come next.  I just let go and believe. ]