Salt -- Bad Suns

[originally written March 2019]

I try to be nice. I try to be good. I sincerely make every effort conceivable to think before I respond.

Hormones have other, more sinister designs on my behavior patterns. When God gave us the lovely subscription to Crimson Tide Monthly he, unfortunately, failed to also give us a warning label. Not that it would have mattered--most people ignore caution labels and warning signs until they make the mistakes for themselves. That's when you do the real learning, anyway...

...I have been struggling lately with the nagging feeling that I need to write something that may be of use to those who are having difficult times. I have recently become acutely aware of just how few people actually understand and accept me exactly as I am. The list seems to be shrinking rather than growing, however, and although I have come to accept that very few people will ever truly know me, I must figure out a way to communicate effectively with those who do not. It is imperative that I successfully convey the messages I am creating to an audience that does not think the same way that I do. And therein lies the obstacle I face in writing my current project.

How do I communicate a message to someone who is not yet prepared to receive it?

And the answer is simple. I don't.

That's the beauty of my current project--it is a multifaceted, multi-layered story that appeals to people of different life skill levels while offering the opportunity to develop the skills necessary to read beyond the lines of the story and consider the deeper meanings of its lessons and the practical application of its concepts...

...Annnnnndddd if I haven't bored you straight away from the page...

My point in writing this blog was to rant, as usual. So I'll get to it:

When I see others suffering, it is my instant and instinctual response to want to ease that suffering. I can see in others what I have suffered in the past and want so badly to teach others what I have learned in having reached the other side. I want to use my journey through the darkness of depression and grief as a springboard to help others who are still deep in hopelessness. I want to try to make the journey through that darkness a little easier on others to bear.

And yet I keep coming back to the same dilemma: how can I help those who don't think they need help? How can I help those who don't even know they need help? How can I help those who are not receptive and responsive to my messages?

Maybe I just wait longer?



What no one realizes is that I actually live by this pretty rigid set of rules that I've designed for myself and sometimes I am truly incapable of acting in such a way that goes against them. For example, when someone is very rude or mean to me in public, instead of being my usual snarky self, as I would with my family, I just get completely paralyzed at the thought of being exceptionally rude or impolite sometimes. And yet, I can be so wrapped up in whatever it is that I'm doing that I accidentally come off as really rude and inconsiderate. It's obliviousness on my part sometimes.