At the funeral service they asked if any family members or friends wanted to say anything.
I couldn't force myself to do it.
Because all I wanted to do was go up to the podium and scream that my brother is dead.
My brother is dead.
It didn't feel real. It doesn't seem real even now.
Jonathan is dead. Life is changed forever. I have lost a sibling and there's a hole in my heart again.
Losing Mom was hard. But we were kinda prepared for it to happen. We were aware of the possibility that it could happen. We still weren't ready.
But this? This I dont understand. This was unepexected. I wasn't prepared. I didn't write a eulogy.
We loved our brother Jonathan.
I remember the first time he ever sat down with our family to eat dinner. Dad had fried pork tenderloin, mashed potatoes, gravy, and green beans. We all sat down together to talk about our day and eat. And Jonathan thought the food was so delicious that he actually made little "mmmm" noises after every bite until Sarah piped up and said, "Do you know what you're doing?" And we all had a good laugh about it.
This time last year I was giving a toast at my best friend's wedding. I had struggled for a long time to come up with the right words and finally just spoke from the heart... We all have families that we are born into. But some of us are lucky enough to find people during our lives that become our family. And those families we create for ourselves are just as important as the families we're born into because they are actively choosing to participate in your life. Not because they have to but, rather, simply because they want to be part of your life.
Amy, Sarah, Daniel and I will forever feel this loss. Our children will as well. It's tough to understand why he is gone so young. I will always remember all the years we had together; all the family birthdays, holidays, and various events over the years--from marching band to living together briefly as adults. All of these experiences are so sacred to me because that's all that's left. I have some pictures but I realized the other day that more often than not, when we were together, we weren't really on our phones taking pictures. We were always more interested in talking to each other for hours on end than being on our phones.
Even now these few words are inadequate to express how I feel. There are no words that can adequately display his big booming laugh when he thought something was really funny. Or the crazy way his hair stood up in the morning when he woke up. Or how it felt to know that someone in the world really did understand you on a level that few people ever could. How can you begin to describe someone's life and how much they meant to you when you still can't quite acccept that they're really gone?
