Maybe Mom had to die for me to grow strong enough to do what needed to be done? Maybe our Mother died and instead of feeling angry toward god I should feel grateful for the lesson. I miss her. We all do. But we can't bring her back. We can only move forward. As much as I'd like to have her here with me, I know now that surviving her death was what gave me the strength to overcome everything that I face now and will face in the future.
Mom was right. Life isn't easy. And it will never get easier. But it can be better. It's my choice. Every day I get to decide my attitude toward the world. I decide how to live my life. No one else gets to decide that for me.
I am relearning...everything. For too long I have looked to others for the answers, for the way I am supposed to be. All I ever really needed was to just be myself. I know who that is, I have always known it. I just spent this whole time trying to be what I thought other people expected me to be. And now I see that I was wrong. I was unhappy because, in trying to fulfill the expectations of others, I neglected to just be myself. Even now I find myself slipping into that old mentality. And then I pause and reflect on my emotions and I realize that every day I must work toward not letting the past dictate my future.
In the past, I thought that I was always right. Now I know that it's okay to be wrong. It's alright to make mistakes. You just need to learn from those choices instead of trying to justify your actions.
People have suggested that what is negative in my life can be solved by turning to God. Thank you for caring. What I really need, though, is for you to simply let god do the job. I find peace in what I believe. You find peace in what you believe. When I was a child I consistently questioned what it meant to be Christian, what it meant to follow one religion. I continue to learn about all the religions and take from them the positive pieces that seem to be consistent throughout them all. There's nothing wrong with that. And nothing has changed about that aspect of myself since I was young. And that's just how I am. I don't need to explain it. It just is.
Every book I read, person I meet, experience I have is a lesson, a learning experience. I just want to be myself. Don't try to make me explain why, just accept me--or not--and move on. I accept you. I accept that I cannot change you and that I will never truly understand what it is like to be you.
Do you?
