"...I am primed for givin' in..."
Mom has a doppelganger. Sorry. I had to say it.
Today Addison asked me if I liked being a Mom.
No. "Yes, I love when I see you learn new things, it makes me so happy," Mom. How do I tell her I pale in comparison to my Mother? Why am I not the perfect mother?
Valentine's cards. Twenty-five for one, how many for the other? I had to think straight, assess my grocery store goal and get it done.
Suddenly I was reflecting on my day and my mood tumbled down like dominoes.
I have to pick up Anna and if I don't make it in time I'll miss her dance. There's something wrong with me. I'm either half an hour early or five minutes late--for everything. There is no in between. Some people find it endearing, I'm sure (ha!). But that's just how it is.
When I can't do anything else, I can always write. I'm supposed to tell you another cow story, but I'm not in the mood.
I want you to feel like I do. I want you to feel like your heart was ripped out of your chest and stomped on until you thought you would die, and then, just as you're willing to relinquish it all, to give in, to give up...you decide that you'd better not make things worse than they already are.
I know I'm not the only one out there feeling lonely and unhappy with the hand that's been dealt.
I have only one thing to say. Lower your expectations of me. Appreciate that I'm still here and living life as best I can. Don't pity me, for goodness sake, just wake up and say "Thank You" for what you have, because one day you won't have the chance.
Don't ask questions of me that you're not ready or willing to answer yourself. Don't fucking judge people. Smile at strangers...
Some older gentleman remarked yesterday, as we were walking to the car, how beautiful the day was. I smiled and responded politely that, yes, indeed, it had turned out to be a beautiful day.
That's when Bella piped up and said he was a stranger--he was surely out of earshot by then, but I tried to explain that it was acceptable to respond to someone when they speak to you, even if you don't know them.
When did the world become such a bad place that my child thinks that it's not okay to have a polite, friendly conversation with another human being, regardless if you've known them forever or never met them before in your life?
Why is it dangerous for my children to play in our neighborhood without constant supervision? Why can't people be decent to one another? Where is the kindness in the world? Where is the God that took my Mother and what is She/He thinking as they watch what foul things people do to each other?
Ugh. I'm bumming myself out...
