Got Me Wrong -- Alice In Chains

So I said, in my Mother's Day blog, that I had scheduled a mental breakdown at 4 PM on Saturday, and various bursts of sobs on Mother's Day. But that's not how mental breakdowns work. You can't schedule those. Those just happen.

And mine happened to be yesterday morning. I woke up late, having dismissed the alarm rather than hitting the snooze button, and immediately knew that there was no way in hell that I was going to make it to class in time. And I had to get all three girls ready--Anna-Lee always asks me to help her pick something out when I do for Addison and Arabella, but is never satisfied with the results, so I tried to refrain from doing so. I pulled the little sleeping ones from their beds and put on their clothes while they rubbed their eyes sleepily and protested.

No one wanted to get up. No one wanted to get ready to leave in a timely manner. I had all my shit together, waiting. I'm so late, and this is just too much!

[brief mental breakdown]

I wiped tears from my eyes--at least I hadn't had time to put any mascara on--as I drove the girls to their different schools. By the time I reached my school I was an hour late for class and avoided looking in the mirror before I exited the car--I knew I looked like hell. It showed on my face, it showed on my quickly-grabbed-t-shirt in the form of a previously unnoticed stain. It appeared on my feet, the sandals I had so urgently put on to fetch a pair of shoes out of the garage for Addison.

No, you can't plan those moments when the reality of life comes crashing in around you. All the hurt and pain that you've been hiding under sarcasm and witty remarks blossoms into full grief and leaves you feeling hulled out, the shell of this person you thought you were.

But, in the end, you have to suck it up and put on a smile, because your life isn't over and there are people who depend on you.

It's an endless cycle.

What A Wonderful World -- Louis Armstrong

Yesterday, just in case you didn't know, was Death Day. Last year I posted a movie quote on my Facebook status which included a repetitive string of bad words. Someone asked me what was wrong, and it irritated me to have to explain to them that it was Death Day.

Death Day, as we have come to call it, is the day our Mother, Wife, Sister and Friend, Reba Jean Roark, left this world.

I talked to Dad earlier this week and he asked me how I was doing. I said I was fine, though school and kids had been running me ragged.

"So I guess you know what this week is," he'd said.

"Yeah," was my reply, "Death Day."

He was just wondering if I was dealing with it well. I have been too busy to wallow in grief.

"I'm scheduling a mental breakdown for 4 o'clock," I told him.

"Today?" he asked. I laughed.

"No, Saturday. And then Sunday I plan to burst into uncontrollable fits of sobs at various points throughout the day," I chuckled as I spoke into the phone.

We laughed a little about it. And talked about putting flowers from the garden on her grave that day. I told him I had planned to just order something, since I wouldn't be able to come and visit, but Dad said something that makes me wonder if I learned anything at all from her:

"You know, and your Mother would tell you if she were standing right here, that if you have any extra money that you ought to spend it on those kids."

"Well, I guess we could go Death Day shopping," I said. He was right, of course.

Dad was thinking of picking flowers from the garden to take over to her grave. I asked him, if it was blooming, would he include one of the yellow English Tea roses from the bush Jamie and I bought her for Mother's Day years before? He said that he would, and Sarah sent me pictures of the beautiful bouquet they had fixed, laid by the bench that is her grave marker.

Later, I told Amy about my grieving schedule. She thought it was funny, too.

Happy Mother's Day.

"I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom, for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

I see skies of blue, and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, dark sacred night
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces, of people going by
I see friends shaking hands, sayin', "How do you do?"
They're really sayin', "I love you"

I hear babies cry in', I watch them grow
They'll learn much more, than I'll ever know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Yes, I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Oh yeah"

This was one of Mom's favorite songs.