Cruel to Be Kind -- Spacehog

Okay, guise, bear with me while I purposely regress for a moment in time, just because the path is not always straight, sometimes it curves and loops back on itself so that you can see the same lesson coming that you thought you had once faced and learned. Well, here it is: I can be fucking bitch and I am owning it, fully, now. It's not that I have been hiding it, I have just been trying to be a kinder, more polite person, especially to people who don't know me. Well, after a few weeks of struggling with allergy shots, reactions, steroids, and all the associated bullshit, I GIVE THE FUCK UP! You want me to do something unkind? Make me. Be yourself so that I can tell you, to your face, that you suck. 

The woman who smacked my shoulder "playfully" at work-- I think I know her name now, but to me she will always just be a cigarette in shoes. Because I know she's probably not a great person. Maybe not completely evil, but certainly a shitty person. That's okay. You can be shitty, just stay the hell away from me. At work one day she was at the machine beside me and asked how I liked it there. To which I said, "As long as nobody puts their hands on me again, I think it will be just fine!" I was deadpan serious. She acted appalled and quickly asked who had put their hands on me. "You did." and when she couldn't hear me, I said it even louder, "You did. When I first started on this side you were coming in from break and saying something about wanting to smack someone and then smacked my shoulder, to which I said, 'What did I do? I'm literally just existing here!'" And her response was to stumble over her own words to say, "oh well, we just play around like that." And my response was curt, "I don't" and the cigarette in shoes said, "Oh well, I guess we'll keep it professional." I wanted to reply that yeah we should keep it professional because we're at work, but I said nothing. 

So today when she had to work beside me again she made a point to not even respond to me when I told her that if any of the things I had given her needed repaired just to let me know. I only just figured out, much later, that she was intentionally not talking to me. Bitch, that's the best fucking thing that you could ever do for the both of us! I don't actually want to talk to you. I don't care where you live, where you went to school, or if you have any hobbies. Good for you for having something to live for--just leave me the fuck out of it. Also, pretty sure this bitch probably went to school with my Mom, or at least knew of her if she didn't know her. And, I just gotta tell you, I think Mom probably didn't like your ass either. A lot of the people who have been openly hostile to me for no real reason that is apparent to me might just be shitty fucking people, and it has nothing to do with me at all whatsoever or my Mother. In fact, I would be willing to bet that if Mom hadn't already been reincarnated, she'd be haunting all your asses for me. You should question those creepy feelings you get in the dark alone and ask yourself who or what is lurking in those gathering shadows? It just might be a ghost from your past sneaking up to remind you that you're just a fucking cigarette in shoes. Or maybe it's the demon who is sucking on your life force, encouraging you at every turn to make more and more bad decisions for your life. Think about it. Or not, whatever.

When I was leaving the doctor's office today, who did I see? It was Paula! That fucking cunt can't seem to get enough of me pretending she doesn't even exist at work, now she has to show up for some more! Only, this time, I was too busy to bother to yell, "You suck!" as I drove away, but I thought about it for a split second before deciding that it wasn't worth my time or energy.

And, truly, none of these fucking assholes are worth my time or the energy I would expend in seeking them out to tell them to their faces that they suck. They probably already know that, they're just afraid to admit it to themselves, let alone anyone else. And that's just gonna have to be ok. 

So, I'm just gonna lean into it from now on, be even more myself. I am not ashamed of who I am, the bitch that I can be, the kind person I know that I can also, equally, be, all that matters is that I am satisfied with who I am. The only opinion about me that matters is my own. The rest of you fucking assholes in the world can just fuck right off. Or not. Whatever. 

If me being like this is enough to incense a few feeble-minded bitches, then who am I to argue. Be a cunt, own that shit, but don't act surprised when I tell you that I think you suck and that I don't like your behavior! 

Also, ex-dudes out there in the world, fuck you, too! Don't send me any friend requests, because you're not my fucking friends! My only regret in this world is that a boy that I had a very weird relationship with didn't get the meanest version of me--Nicholas, buddy, if you're out there, I just gotta say this: You suck and I laughed and laughed and laughed when I heard that you finally received some consequences to your own actions. I'm sorry that you were too stupid to understand that what I "did" to you (by 'talking to you too much') was the very thing that you were doing to others! It came full circle, bud, and guess what!? My only regret is that I wasn't mean enough. And, while I'm on a roll, I want you to take a look around at everything that happens, and wonder, won't you, are these the consequences of my own decisions? You just might be surprised by the answer, assuming you're clever enough to figure it out!

Thanks for coming to my BethSquawk. Time for fun, now!