Heart of Glass & Queen of Scars -- Toadies & Heaven Beside You -- Alice In Chains

Ram Dass answered me this time! 

I know, I know, you'll just say that he's dead and how could he possibly answer me!?!

It's the algorithm, I'm sure of it, but at least it is feeding me Ram Dass content, even if he's been dead for a while. And, just because you're dead, doesn't mean that what you said while you were alive doesn't have an impact. People like to ask why God won't answer directly when you pray. I think God does answer, but you have to be open to receiving the answer from the most unexpected people, places, and even just things encountered in your everyday life. 

Yesterday I posted that I wished I could ease the suffering of those who are enduring it. And then almost immediately after posting to the blog, I saw the Ram Dass quote where he said that he didn't have any right to take away anyone else's suffering. It's theirs. It is for them to endure, change, and learn. Of course he put it very eloquently, whereas I, like always, just came here to write this down before I forget and the words just kinda spill out. Maybe it worked that way for him too, I'm not sure because I never met him. I think what he meant by not having the right to take away another's suffering, is that it is interrupting another's lesson, and I believe that suffering is often a lesson we need to learn about ourselves and our own nature as individual human beings. As good as our intentions may be, sometimes what others need is our presence when they are suffering. For you to sit with them and say, I hear you. Hold space for others. To listen to them and not be dragged into their drama. 

I can't ease your suffering but I can hold space for you when you are suffering!! That's the answer!

I don't have to fix all the problems, I never had to! 

I just have to be present and hold space for those that I love. 

I may not be able to understand your suffering--I may not be able to see inside those dark thoughts in your mind, but I can very much hold space for you! I can give you the freedom to figure it out and still offer you the same love and support that I have always offered!

Sometimes, you get the answer. Just be careful what you're asking for, because you'll receive the lesson you're meant to have and not necessarily everything you've ever fantasized about having in life. 

Beside You -- Toadies

I wrote a bunch of shit and I just wasn't feeling it so I scrapped it and began again. Because you can do that, at any time. Try something new. Make different choices.

I hope you can find hope if you've been struggling.

Words written by Todd Lewis:

I don't give many promises

And you don't really know me

If I could promise you just one thing

It's that you never be lonely

So walk around with your head held high

And I make it my wish tonight

I hope you'll never be lonely

I hope you'll never be lonely

Although I'm leaving, wherever I go

I'll always be closer than you know

So channel your voice and make it true

And I'll be right there beside you

I know it gets hard sometimes

When it comes to leaving

But you're never gonna leave my mind

I only hope you believe me

Although I'm leaving, wherever I go

I'll always be closer than you know

So sing out loud and make it true

And I'll be right there beside you

My wish tonight, I hope you'll never be lonely

Although I'm leaving, have no tears

I will always be right here

And you have a light that will shine through

And I'm right here beside you

I don't want to try to pretend to know how you feel, if you're suffering. I have suffered my own things in life, and still do. I no longer feel the deep dark depths of depression. I find it hard to force my mind back to those times when I felt such despair. I no longer seek to wallow in it. 

I don't know how to save you if you won't try to save yourself, too. 

Maybe I shouldn't try? It feels cruel to leave you all alone in the depths of your own despair. What am I to do? When all you seem to want to do is wallow? All I want to do is sing and dance in the light. Why won't you take it when I'm trying to share my light with YOU!?!?

I wish I could make it easier for you--ease the suffering that you endure! Oh, how much I wish it. 

I love the Toadies, they make me happy and I always sing along. 

But you've gotta save yourself, guys. 

I can't do it for you.  

Here's another song for you, I've shared it before:

written by: A. Kubiszewski, C. Hall, J. Sellers, JAMES ERIC SELLERS, M. Eliopulos, Marcus Eliopolus, Walter Flakus 

Stabbing Westward -- Save Yourself

I know your life is empty

And you hate to face the world alone

So you're searching for an angel

Someone who can make you whole

I cannot save you 

I can't even save myself

So just save yourself

(Save yourself)

I know that you've been damaged

Your soul has suffered such abuse

But I am not your savior

I am just as fucked as you

(I am just as fucked as you)

I cannot save you

I can't even save myself

So just save yourself

Please don't take pity on me

Please don't take pity on me

Please don't take pity on me 

Please don't take pity on me

My life has been a nightmare

My soul is fractured to the bone

If I must be lonely

I think I'd rather be alone

(I think I'd rather be alone) 

You cannot save me 

You can't even save yourself

I cannot save you

I can't even save myself

Save yourself

So just save yourself

I think that it's really important to note how the lyrics change at the end. I truly believe that you can be saved, but sometimes you absolutely have to do it yourself.

When I was deep in depression, I listened to a lot of different music for a lot of different reasons, but sometimes it was to wallow in the darkness, to wallow in the sadness of losing my mother. It was grief. I wallowed and I raged and I survived. 

I'm still here. 

She Likes Surprises -- Soundgarden & Absinthe -- I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME

It was my open letter to God; like I said in that post (The Day I Tried To Live), I never really expected an answer. You can imagine my surprise when I actually did get an answer. It wasn't the one that I wanted, but it was an answer, nonetheless. 

I'm not sure if I have written about this here before, I know that I have written about this a lot both by hand and on a keyboard but it's hard to say where exactly. I do not envy the children who will have to sort through my papers and computers after I die. 

I hope all my stories don't die with me. 

When I was a teenager I was extremely sad for no reason and could just not figure it out. It went on for what seemed like an agonizingly long time. I know now that this was probably the beginning of PMDD--but, at the time, I just had the sads. I would pray to God all the time to just deliver me from the misery. Every night for a while I would pray not to wake in the morning. And each and every morning--or early afternoon, as one might expect of a teen on the weekend--warm sunlight would spill through the windows and, upon waking, I would deride god for not having given me overnight what I had asked of him in my prayers the night before--and then one day, I was mad about it and was like allllrighty then. So much for praying. And it is so interesting to me that this is the memory that is stuck fast in my brain. I can remember where I was when I had the thought, not really the outfit I was wearing, but I can see the room--my bedroom as a teenager, painted a very pale lavender--I had just stepped into the room onto the berber carpet and was hovering in the doorway for a moment when the thought came to me. Maybe the lack of an answer is the answer; God doesn't want me to die. Or to suffer. And if he's not going to personally come down here and fix me being sad all the time, then I've got to do it for myself. I will make myself happy. 

This one thought changed everything, and this moment in time--that is the memory that I turn to when I might be excessively sad and trying to think my way back out of the sads. Sometimes, when you're really upset it is easy to forget that it is the endless well inside that we must tap, rather than looking outside of ourselves--everything we need to seek about God and life--it's all inside that bottomless well. Maybe you know what I'm talking about. Maybe you don't. I'm not sure that it matters if you quite understand, but, maybe someday you will have your own epiphany and these words will make so much sense. It kinda goes back to the Ram Dass quote about being on the path--don't worry, you don't really have to do anything, you're already on the path. 

I had a very weird dream the other night. I don't want to share the exact details because I don't know that they matter as much as conveying the feelings that I was having during the dream. Sometimes I am sure that when I'm dreaming I am actually slipping from my own body and joining that place we all go when we die--and, from there, I was in another's body and that person was hopeless. But they didn't know that I was inside them now. (Freaky, I know, but I beg of you please read the Remember Me series by Christopher Pike--yes it's YA, and I have loved these books all my life and reread them every few years). But the people around this person knew she was hopeless and they were trying to break her, to get her to take her own life. Which I couldn't let happen. So I took over. Whatever it was that she would have done if  I hadn't been in her body didn't matter anymore, because I was going to show her and everyone else that you don't have to be hopeless and you don't have to break and suicide yourself. So I started being me instead of her in the interactions she was having during this day. She was scared to death, hopeless that things wouldn't ever change or get better, and it's a feeling that took me back to the scene in my lavender bedroom as a teen. I knew the answer and it was inside me. I laughed in the faces of the people who were telling dream-me horrible things, trying to provoke me, that wanted to hurt me--and when I laughed, their looks of evil hatred turned to shock and amazement for a moment before they switched immediately to anger and they doubled down. But I had already found the well inside that I knew was there and I was already dismissing all that hopelessness and replacing it with the faith, hope and love of that endless well. The dream was over, at least that part of it was, when I found that well and tapped into it. 

The best way that I can describe the feeling of the well is--every happy loving moment that you've ever experienced or hoped to experience is inside it and it feels like your whole body will burst with love. There's a word for it, I suppose more than one, depending on how you view language and semantics. Sublime. The most incredible feeling. Like being safe, loved, and whole. 

FINISH IT!!!

So that's is not a song title, at least not to my knowledge, anyway. It's kind of from Mortal Kombat. But I have an idea...you know all the older blog posts that are kinda short, they feel like there might be more to the story!?! Well...there definitely is more!! And I'm gonna give it to ya! 

Look forward to new blog posts that relate to the old ones by being titled with another song from the same bands and/or albums the original post's songs are from--it's gonna be so rad! I am excited to share so many cool things with everyone who comes here! There are a lot of things that I would like to write and I feel that I have released a lot of negative emotions here that had been souring my soul and I would like to keep going! This is a true purge of all the bad shit that I don't want to hold onto anymore!

Do you want to know what I am doing this morning? I am singing and dancing in my kitchen while I bake gluten-free (yes, I'm back on my bullshit) blueberry muffins. I made a giant muffin, by the way, and it is spectacular and cooked all the way through! the muffin pan I have only holds six muffins and it's hot so I made a blueberry loaf as well. They're delicious, just in case you're wondering. 

It seems like a good time to put a song in here so just go listen to a whole album or something. I recommend Afterglow by Saint Motel. It just dropped this month. Check it out. 

Father of Mine -- Everclear & Come To Mama -- Lady Gaga

People talk of true love as if it is something only found in a fairy tale. Too many fairy tales talk of romantic love, not nearly enough about the other types of love that are true and steadfast in our lives. Maleficent taught us all that true love is the love of a parent and child, that unbreakable bond that is forged through selflessly loving another being, caring for them when they are so small and vulnerable, and raising them to be safe and loved as themselves. 

I wish I could convey this feeling to others who...just can't seem to "get' it. I wish a lot of things. 

Tonight I was woken up by the sound of the bedroom door opening followed immediately by the sound of loud sobbing. Addison. She began rattling off a tale that only made me angrier the longer I listened. Jamie was telling her (two days before the money is due) that he can't afford to pay his half of the money for her senior graduation cap & gown and club dues. Half asleep and incensed at every word, I tried to understand the next part, but I still don't really understand, but he proceeded to tell her that she should have thought about all these things before she wrecked her car? All I know for sure is that I told her that she has to stop talking to that motherfucker. Like right now. And tell him that I fucking said so! 

New boundaries are being set. As I write this, I am still processing. 

It was the second time that she came in sobbing that made me get all the way up. "Jesus Fucking Christ," I was cursing the summoning-Jesus-curse as I was climbing out of the bed and as many times as I have said it, he just doesn't show in these tough moments!

Who is this fucking monster trying to hurt these children like this? Their father? NO. This is the man who donated his sperm, nothing more. If he can't do anything but hurt everyone around him all the time then he just doesn't get the opportunity with us anymore. I set my own boundary about this long ago and have been reinforcing it. But here is the new one. 

No more of this. No more phone calls or texts from him after bedtime. It's just not allowed anymore. And whatever way we have to, we will work out the costs of their care on our own, because asking him for anything always comes with strings attached. No more cars or phones. No more guilt trips and put-me-downs. 

The best (perspective, Perspective!) part of this whole scenario is that this is the same guy who encouraged us to move back down here and then--like a father probably should--he (mostly) paid the rent where we were living in the once-a-trap-house-but-always-a-trailer that he rented from his dumbass landlord for $350 each month. The times that he consistently paid for the rent at that place--well, that's about as much child support as I ever have or will receive from this motherfucker. And when it came to the point that he didn't want to pay the rent anymore, he kept telling me that I was going to have to move. He kept saying it like it should be my idea, only it never was, and it wasn't until he and the landlord--at least this is what I think happened--that they decided to tell me that the landlord was selling the place to get me to move out. The landlord came over with a piece of paper that said I would move out immediately and tried to get me to sign it. And then he looked absolutely flabbergasted when I said that I wasn't signing anything like a contract without my lawyer looking at it first and the dumbass was actually like you have a lawyer!?! Anyway, long story short, I told the guy that I would try to be out in about 30 days but that I would never sign any paper saying so...I think it was a whole convoluted mess to try to get me out of there because Jamie didn't want to have to fork over $350 dollars every month. So we moved out without a place to go lined up. 

So the kids went to stay with their dad temporarily and suddenly he got to understand just how much it actually costs to raise children. They would complain to me that he would come home from work, stinking, and sit at the kitchen table and drink beer until he passed out in his dirty work clothes. He never bought dawn--they couldn't wash the dishes like he was asking them to do. He would send Addison to the store for him or demand that she take him wherever, whenever. In the summer, he was waking her up in the middle of the night to take him to the motel to meet people. Who does that? Was it for sex or drugs? Was he dealing and or using again?! So many questions?! There was so much I only found out in retrospect and so much more that they probably haven't even told me!! In the last weeks that they were there they called me in the middle of the night because he wanted them to use rags to wipe their asses with because he could go by the store every day after work to get beer but not toilet paper. I took one roll to them and then took them to buy a pack with his money. I think that was the last time that I ever did anything like that for him. Never gonna help that piece of shit again. 

When he found out that I had gotten an apartment big enough for all of us and we would move in at the beginning of October, his behavior turned from bad to worse. They said he constantly found ways to pick at them or put them down or complain about what they were doing or weren't doing. He told Addison that if she moved out of living with him and back to living with me that she could never come back!!! This was so upsetting to her! I told her, assured her, that as long as I have a roof over my head, my children are always welcome to stay with me. Who says that to a child???

Silver had looked at living with their dad as an opportunity for Jamie to really show them that he could be a good dad, provide for them, spend quality time with them, and really step up in the father department. It was an opportunity for Jamie to do just that, but it was an opportunity that he squandered being drunk, irresponsible, and childish. Imagine your own children thinking of you as nothing more than an overgrown teenager in temperament and attitude--and imagine them NOT BEING WRONG ABOUT IT!?!?! I had to go pick Silver up on several occasions that Jamie was screaming at him so much and he was so upset that he couldn't calm down and couldn't even eat because of not wanting to be in the same room as Jamie. 

Fast forward a whole month of me living here at the apartment and Addison has recently had a car accident and can't drive the car that her dad was letting her drive because it was totaled in the wreck--don't even get me started on how this asshole picked a fight with the very kind police officer who was at the accident scene before the call even went out and helped our daughter out of the overturned vehicle. I was out of town at a pre-planned concert event with Sarah and couldn't make it back for like 3.5-4 hours when I got the call, but I told her that I was coming and sending my Dad to meet Addison at the hospital because we were so far away. They made the mistake of going to Jamie's house and informing him of the accident. He was passed out drunk when they got there and woke him up to tell him. He made his way over to the hospital and proceeded to make a fool out of himself by being drunken and disorderly and very disrespectful to the kind officer who was there simply doing her job. Family and friends who saw his unhinged Facebook posts about the incident were left scratching their heads--yeah, he was unnecessarily angry about the cop and even more so about the car being towed and the phone being lost (or, as he accused the tow staff, "stolen") somewhere along the way, but what about Addison, how was she? Crickets. Addison has a concussion that has gone undocumented and untreated because, when I went to her primary care office to follow up after the accident, they asked for an insurance claim number and when we called Jamie to ask about it, he started yelling at us so I just hung up the phone. The kind receptionist told me that her doctor would likely just send her right back to the ER that she had just been to, and they still might want a car insurance claim number or whatever. I told her that Jamie would need to take her and sign paperwork with the necessary insurance information. Of course it never happened. After about a week or so her dizziness and nausea went away. She's much better physically now, but, emotionally this whole ordeal has taken a toll. Her dad keeps asking her to call about getting new car insurance so he can "help" buy "her" a new car. Wanna know why he can't have a car? Because he got another DUI recently and lost his driver's license FOR TEN YEARS. Wanna know why he wants these kids to have a car so badly?!?!? So he can order them to drive him around in it simply because he bought it "for them" and "pays for everything."

I feel like their father is the Kevin Federline of bumfuck Kentucky. 

When we moved in here, first Silver and I, and then after a few weeks, Addison moved all the rest of her things in, and it was immediately better for everyone. The kids were resting better and felt less anxious. Everyone thought that things would get better and they did. And things will continue to get better. I don't think their dad is gonna get any better, but I can't fix him or that situation. But, what I can do, is try not to have to depend on him for anything too important. Isn't that really sad? 

My heart breaks for my children. All I ever wanted was for them to have a family that loves them. 

All I want is for them to be treated better by their father. 

You know who's a good Dad? Mine. Even my kids know that. On more than one occasion they have told me that they wished they had a dad like mine. 

I wish that they did too. 

I talked it over a bit with my confidant and feel much better because, despite the fact that their father will never be a good father to them, there are so many other people in their lives who can show them true love. 

I will continue to give my love unconditionally. To the children I say, 

"...Come To Mama

Tell me who hurt ya

There's gonna be no future

If we don't figure this out

Oh, come tomorrow

Who are you gonna follow?

There's gonna be no future

If we don't figure this out..."

If you can just go ahead and read If by Rudyard Kipling again, that'd be great. But, like, really read it. Like analyze it and shit--ruminate, if you will. Please, for the love of god, learn something!

...a lot of people ask me about writing things, and I know I keep saying this, but I can't do any of the writing that I want to do for fun until I finish with some of this shit. so, while this is for me, when you ask me to write, just be careful what you're asking for, because the things that were omitted from the blog before were omitted because they SUCKED SO BAD and I wasn't ready to unleash the horrors

Alien — Britney Spears

 

Just something pleasant to see.