Straight Lines -- Silverchair

Every week there's a 1.5 hour chunk of time that I have carved out in the middle of the day, when I talk to a therapist. It's a nice little respite from the rest of the world, even if it's a short time. It's place where I can actually be myself. And the truth is that maybe I haven't done that quite as well since Jonathan died, even though that was my intention. I somehow got super afraid of saying all the things I'd really like to say, do the things that I want to do when I'm telling a story, things that I wouldn't do around anyone else.... I try, but there's always a part of me that holds back, the voice that says, don't say that shit, don't do that, that sounds absolutely fucking crazy, that will look insane. And I usually say that bit out loud to the therapist, and because I know how it sounds, and there are like notes....meh. Whatever. 

I'm not the only one that misses Jonathan.

It seems as though everyone that I meet that knows Jonathan loves and misses him too. I struggled with that sentence for a second as I wrote and I thought should it be "loved?" but then I realized that the body is past tense, the love is still present, that's why it hurts so much. The other day I said that I had never really processed his death...

So I'll say something that I guess I have needed to say for a long time:

What the fuck, man?

Now we gotta do this shit without the pleasure of your insanely loving, always entertaining, and genuinely authentic company? That's a dick move. Like the worst. It's like getting up in the middle of a game of cards against humanity when you know you were dealt the best fuckin hand IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMN UNIVERSE. 

I don't think I had a conversation with Jonathan in which I didn't laugh, no matter the topic or the initial mood. Hanging out with my family is similar to going to a comedy club, but instead of it being stand-up, it's conversational style. Wait, I think I've just described a podcast--which we always say we're gonna do, BUT WE NEVER DO. And clearly, some of us deal with trauma and adversity by developing a particularly twisted and entertaining sense of humor over the course of our lives, Jonathan being no exception over the course of his, only he happened to just be better at it than everyone else. Effortlessly funny in all situations, that was Jonathan.

I miss you, man. It's real fucked up that you just died like that and things will never ever be the same without you.

I honestly don't know how to describe it. I guess the closest thing is that I miss one of the people I was closest to that I knew absolutely, without fail, I could say the most left-field crazy fucked up esoteric shit to and at the same time have a serious and fun conversation about it, without being judged for how fucking crazy it sounded. Like wormholes, time travel, entropy, zombies, video games, books, conundrums, music, weird words, anything and everything. And also real shit. Shit that was happening in the world and how awful is to feel things so deeply.

Salt in an open wound. As I write and think about him, the tears just flow. I don't want to feel like this, because I hate feeling sad, but I know it will be ok. I know the end of this life will come, just as everyone's does, and, until then...well, from now on, without Jonathan it's just not gonna be as fun, but I keep trying to do my best to make it entertaining anyway. Otherwise, what's the point?

MF - AWOLNATION

I stole something once. I was really little. Small enough to not yet understand the concept of money. It was a pack of bubbalicious bubble gum. We were in the check out line at the grocery store and I saw it, wanted it and took it. When we got to the car and I was chewing a piece, Mom noticed and asked me where I had gotten the gum. I told her. After explaining that you had to to pay for the things that you wanted or needed at the grocery store, or any store, she made me go back inside, pay for the gum and apologize for taking it. Mom was really unhappy about the whole ordeal, as was I, and I never stole anything from the store ever again. It was a truly mortifying experience.

I hadn't realized that I had done something wrong until she told me. Once I was made aware of the wrong I had done, and took the necessary steps to correct it, I never made that mistake again. When we got home we had a little more of an in depth discussion about money, what it meant to make money (how it's earned through working a job) and exchanging money for goods and services. I could understand concepts very well and I felt terrible about having stolen something. It still makes me feel bad to this day. It's a lesson that I have never forgotten.

Flash forward to the girl scouts meeting my kindergarten year of elementary school where we received a small goody bag with a few Christmas-themed items that included some erasers and a Rudolph the red nose reindeer chap stick. I was thrilled to have the chap stick and took it with me to school and placed it in my cubby with all my other belongings. When it was time that we could go to our cubbies, my chap stick was gone and I observed another girl using it. I will never forget. Her name was Heather. So I told the teacher and she asked me how I knew that it was mine and not, in fact, her chap stick. So I explained that I had received it at girl scouts, that it was unique, a Rudolph chap stick, and that I knew it was mine because it was in my cubby in the morning but was gone later and I saw her using it. So the teacher gets down on my level and tells me, "Honey, you don't want it back." I had insisted that I wanted it back. It was mine. Not hers. I knew she took it. The teacher knew she took it. Why couldn't I have it back? And then the teacher had to explain to me that this other little girl perhaps wasn't lucky enough to get to go to girl scouts and receive a special chap stick and that I ought to just let her have it. I, however, was adamant. I had already learned my lesson about stealing. I wasn't supposed to take things that weren't mine. How could she just take it and keep it? Didn't she know stealing was wrong? Why was she allowed to steal it and then, when caught red handed, get to keep it? What kind of message was this sending to her if she just gets to keep something that wasn't hers? I was furious. I wanted it back. That was when my teacher told me that the girl had already used it and that now it had her germs on it and that if I got it back I would have her germs. And couldn't my mother just buy me a new chap stick after school? I related all this to my mother as soon as school was over and she did, in fact, take me to get a new chap stick. It was cherry flavored (not peppermint) and had chap stick written on it in black and white instead of having a picture of Rudolph with a big red nose. It wasn't the same. This kid took what was mine and then just got to keep it. And I had to sit by and just let her.

That memory is seared into my brain.

I don't really understand why I am the way that I am. I remember things. Memories are like movies in my head that play on repeat if I let them. Memorizing things burns a crystal clear image of whatever it is inside my head like a photograph. It took me a really long time, years after Mom died, but I finally realize that I cannot control other people. The only thing that I can control in this world is my reaction to any given situation. I can't force other people to do the right thing.

I consistently remind myself that all that matters is that I am staying the course. I can sleep at night. I try not to lie. I don't steal. I try not to do anything that I was taught is wrong. I cuss. I say things that hurt people's feelings sometimes, most of the time I don't realize that it might be hurtful until someone else points it out. I feel bad about the things that I have done that I know were wrong or hurtful to others. I hold myself accountable. If nothing else, the memory of my Mother and all that she taught me reminds me to do the right thing.

But what about everyone else????

Chakra Daemon -- Foreign Air

I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't know how to go about living my life like everyone else. People always say that I should let things go, don't let things get to me, stop caring so much. I don't know how to do that. I wish that I did. I wish I lived in a world where it was okay to care too much. Everyone seems content to go on with life even if it's not entirely what they want it to be, accepting this palpable unhappiness settling into their souls. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to accept the status quo.

I haven't entirely processed everything that's happened in the last year. I'm sad. I miss Jonathan and I'm still fucking sad about it.

I don't know what I was thinking this time last year. I guess I just wasn't. I wasn't considerate of his feelings like I should have been...after he died and the funeral was over and Halloween came and went, I flew to Nevada and had an adventure with someone who pretended to love me. Why? Why did I do that?

Jonathan came to me and was very upset. I was in the master bedroom at Dad's house, and he hugged me and cried and I didn't know what to say or do. The last time I saw him in person before he died he was upset. He wasn't mad at me, he made that much clear. I wasn't trying to do anything to hurt him. I was just trying to have a happily ever after. I didn't think about how alone he was. I didn't think about how much I was hurting other people in my life by doing the things that I did. I guess I never really do.

So here it is. My confession of guilt. I feel terrible that I neglected my relationship with him, that I didn't try harder to comfort him, to reach out and tell him that he was loved. I feel terrible for not seeing all his tweets to me, that I didn't call him more often, that I didn't take more time to tell him how much he meant to me. I feel bad that he was alone.

People deal with loss differently. I guess I don't deal with it very well at all. I avoid. I withdraw. I isolate myself from others, hoping to avoid the pain of having to talk about the things that upset me.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I have lost sight of my purpose in this world. I've lost the desire to talk to anyone. I have lost so much already and I am afraid I'm losing myself again. I'm trying to find my way back to being myself without worrying about what everyone else thinks. And all the while I struggle to get through each day raising these kids as best I can. At least they're great kids. At least I can be here with them to teach them, love them and encourage them to become good people.

Free to Breathe -- Cold War Kids

At the funeral service they asked if any family members or friends wanted to say anything.

I couldn't force myself to do it.

Because all I wanted to do was go up to the podium and scream that my brother is dead.

My brother is dead.

It didn't feel real. It doesn't seem real even now.

Jonathan is dead. Life is changed forever. I have lost a sibling and there's a hole in my heart again.

Losing Mom was hard. But we were kinda prepared for it to happen. We were aware of the possibility that it could happen. We still weren't ready.

But this? This I dont understand. This was unepexected. I wasn't prepared. I didn't write a eulogy.

We loved our brother Jonathan.

I remember the first time he ever sat down with our family to eat dinner. Dad had fried pork tenderloin, mashed potatoes, gravy, and green beans. We all sat down together to talk about our day and eat. And Jonathan thought the food was so delicious that he actually made little "mmmm" noises after every bite until Sarah piped up and said, "Do you know what you're doing?" And we all had a good laugh about it.

This time last year I was giving a toast at my best friend's wedding. I had struggled for a long time to come up with the right words and finally just spoke from the heart... We all have families that we are born into. But some of us are lucky enough to find people during our lives that become our family. And those families we create for ourselves are just as important as the families we're born into because they are actively choosing to participate in your life. Not because they have to but, rather, simply because they want to be part of your life.

Amy, Sarah, Daniel and I will forever feel this loss. Our children will as well. It's tough to understand why he is gone so young. I will always remember all the years we had together; all the family birthdays, holidays, and various events over the years--from marching band to living together briefly as adults. All of these experiences are so sacred to me because that's all that's left. I have some pictures but I realized the other day that more often than not, when we were together, we weren't really on our phones taking pictures. We were always more interested in talking to each other for hours on end than being on our phones.

Even now these few words are inadequate to express how I feel. There are no words that can adequately display his big booming laugh when he thought something was really funny. Or the crazy way his hair stood up in the morning when he woke up. Or how it felt to know that someone in the world really did understand you on a level that few people ever could. How can you begin to describe someone's life and how much they meant to you when you still can't quite acccept that they're really gone?

Doesn't Remind Me -- Audioslave

You know that sick feeling inside--the "sinking in the pit of your stomach" one? It's like that.

It's the same feeling you get when your parents go out and drop you off at your Grandparent's house. Your child mind struggles to understand how they can go out and have fun without you. A stirring of unease, wondering if they'll come back. Something is different from normal procedure. The dining table where you've had a thousand dinners with your parents and grandparents feels empty without those two extra place settings. Popcorn in wooden bowls and cute little monkey bed time slippers. It gets a little easier with each passing moment because you know that you're one minute closer to Mom and Dad coming back to pick you up. Despite that sinking feeling that tugs at you when you're reminded, you know you'll be all right.

"It only hurts when you think about it," My Grandpa Bill said, sharing his feelings about the passing of his own mother.

I have used these words to comfort myself for years. 

How can I not think about it?

We make new routines and go on living without the people that we miss. Missing them becomes part of the routine. Being without them becomes a part of life. The terrible sinking feeling deep down inside fades a little with the acceptance. I reflect. I survived all the other losses. I know that grief can consume me. It can sneak up on me when I think everything is going so well and try to drag me back under. But I've come too far to let that happen.

Right now Grandpa Bill is in the hospital and everything I felt when Mom died has come crashing back. The diagnosis given before all the test results come in is multiple myeloma. Dad and Billie told me everything the doctors have said so that I can send a report to the rest of the family. A yawning, gaping hole opened inside me again. It is the same voice telling me, taunting me as I clutched my lipstick kiss in my hand on my very first day of school--that my Mother is never coming back. Now it's telling me that everyone I've ever known and loved is going to die. And I will have to watch it happen until it's my turn. 

Many hours and memories later and here we are, again, bracing for the storm. I don't know why I got comfortable--so comfortable in this happiness I've created. I thought I was about to close a book when another chapter appeared! The sinking, sick, something's-not-quite-right feeling hasn't left me since I began to consider the possibility of losing my Grandpa. It eases a little when I remember that it is our resistance to change that causes our distress.

It is our attachment that causes our suffering. 

I railed against these words when I first began to study mindfulness. It was a long time before the words came to mean something to me. Even now, I still have moments in which I am not comforted by them. 

I go Ice Princess numb when overwhelmed by stressful and emotional situations. I realize that I still do it and tell myself that it's okay to feel the feelings. But it doesn't happen just because I tell myself to feel it. I let it all come rushing out when I write, though.

   

Hurricane -- Panic! At The Disco

Two years ago I had mastered the skills necessary to carry out one of the toughest decisions I ever had to make. Leave my husband. Start my life over and make a better future for my daughters.

Earlier this year I decided that I wasn't really depressed anymore and that I would like to come off the antidepressants. There was a slow process of weaning off the medicine and then a whole new process of learning began. Something the medicine helped me to do was utilize the skills that I had gained in behavior therapy and when the medicine was out of my system I had to start all over again. The knowledge is still there, of course, but now I just have to learn to adjust my use of the skills that I had mastered before coming off the medication. This isn't a bad thing. Not at all. I was on antidepressants since the year that Mom passed away and now that I'm not taking them anymore it's not just my body that has to adjust. It's also my mind.

The best description I can come up with is that it is like antidepressants numbed just enough of my emotions to get me where I needed to be in my life to fully take charge of it. And when I got here, and I realized that I didn't need the numbness anymore, I released emotions that had been locked in there for over seven years. That's not easy for anyone to deal with, but it's been especially difficult for me because my life has changed so much from what it was before the separation.

Some days I feel like I have gone backwards in my recovery from depression. I cry, I rage, I dwell on things that I cannot change. However, there are moments of clarity hidden in those whirlwinds of emotion. I drag out a pen and paper or pull out my laptop and start writing. I write the emotions and you can feel it when you read those stories. I decided to channel all of that into the book--I would fill in all the missing stories that I never got around to sharing for whatever reason and at the end I would have it. I would have this book.

In my mind, the book I thought I would write and the book that I've actually written are completely different. There is no cohesive story between what my intentions were when I dreamed up a memoir and the story I ended up telling. The book I intended to write doesn't yet exist. It might not ever.

I always thought, since Mom passed and I started this blog, that the end result would be a memoir about the tragedy of my Mom dying and coping with life without her in the immediate aftermath. That's not what it is, though. I have only just now begun to realize that the story that I have been trying to tell for so long is the story of my own transformation.

People often assume that I have some idea what it is that I'm writing. The truth is this: I don't decide. It just flows easily. And the things that don't--those are the things that I don't feel when I write. I can write anything. I can try to do any job you want me to do. The feelings I share, the stories I write when my fingertips dance across the keyboard--those feelings flow through my words into you as you read. That's what makes this such a gift. I can do things with words on a page that make me feel like I reach a dark corner of the world and spread a little light. And if I don't pursue that, then what's the point?