An Open Letter to God

Dear God,

I'm asking, no, I'm begging you for a miracle here. I've been praying for you to do your will, but I'm selfish. I want a miracle. I want you to show me that you hear my prayers, I want you to spare someone's life. Please. I wasn't ready for my mother to die. If she'd been an old, old lady with a pile of great grandkids on her lap, I wouldn't have been ready. We are selfish to want them to stay, I know. But, honestly, these kids aren't ready for this. And that's what I'm worried most about. Don't take their mother from them; no one is ever ready to lose someone they love, but this...this is just unfair.

I know, I know. Life isn't fair. And what's fair for me may not be fair for others. I know. And I know what I'm asking. But I'm at a loss. I can do nothing but hope and pray at this point.

But I'm hurt and angry. At you, God, all over again. I thought I'd finally made my peace with you over losing my own mother. I decided that you knew what was best. But this? This makes me uncertain all over again.

Mom would probably tell me not to be angry with you. In fact she did tell me that once upon a time. But who should I be angry at? Why do I feel so angry, anyway? Why do I have so many blessings in my life that I most certainly don't deserve? Why? Why? Why?

But this isn't about me. I suppose it isn't about what I want, but what you want. That's tough, God. To leave it all in your hands when I feel like there should be something I can do. Perhaps questioning you isn't the right thing to do either. The one person in this world who might help me make sense of this life is already gone, and all those who were left behind are being dealt more misery as I write this.

I don't even know that I should be writing this, except that it's the one thing, my one gift from you, that makes me feel like I have some control in this chaotic world. Writing is what I'm supposed to do. Sometimes it's the only thing I can do. So I'll leave you with this one last thing...please send us a miracle. I beg of you.

Beth